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Sqoop – Get Uganda entertainment news, celebrity gossip, videos and photosSqoop – Get Uganda entertainment news, celebrity gossip, videos and photos


The revolutions we need in Uganda

Do carpenters ever finish any project on time…

Aluta Continua. We conquered January, but we did not conquer our bank accounts. We conquered PLE, but potholes in Kampala have not gone away. There are many useless skills we acquire in Kampala. One of them is becoming great at dodging potholes. Soon when we travel to other countries, it will hit us that we acquired such a useless skill. For what will it help in life knowing how to dodge a pothole? What my friend? For this and many other reasons, Uganda is ripe for different revolutions. We need these revolutions like yesterday.

  1. Prophetic revolution

We need an urgent inquiry into the world of prophets, apostles, pastors, bishops, name it all. At this point in time, we need a clear role profile, and reporting structure. We have apostles doing the work of financial advisors, we have pastors launching war on demons and bishops playing the role of intelligence officers.

The only thing all these offices agree on is that God is not allergic to tithe, the house of God will always need funding. Going forward, every church must also commit to constructing a school, a hospital, an industry. The spiritual must be manifested physically.

  1. The tailor, carpenter, mechanic, builder revolution

Before we proceed further into 2023, we must revolutionise the world of the tailor, the world of the carpenter, the mechanic, and the builder. There is no way you start off construction with a budget of Shs20m only for the ‘yinginiya’ to announce a week down the road; “kati boss, things changed in the market. Here is the variation.” How in the world did circumstances change within a week?

For mechanics, a car goes in for service only to return with an announcement.

“Boss we need to replace the timing belt, the AC pump is also faulty, I also noticed the cockroaches ate part of the wiring.”

Wait, wait, for this car that was handed over for simple maintenance? What about the carpenters? Do they ever finish any project on time? Do they ever start any project without advance payment? And does the work always match the original design? Do not get us started on tailors.

They say, if you need anything tailored in Uganda, you must hedge on at least five tailors. One of them will deliver on time, the other will deliver late but deliver the design as expected while the other three will keep asking; “mpozi which one?”

  1. Salary revolution

Everything is increasing in Uganda, there is one thing moving at snail pace, the Ugandan salary. It is only in Uganda where a salary performs miracles. It is only in Uganda where we spend our salaries in advance. In Uganda, we do not get salaries, we simply get notification.

There is never anything to hit the account. But fear not, we shall still pay school fees, manage a side dish, sip some alcohol and show up happy at work, for our bosses expect us to be grateful. At least there is a number that hits the account, it does not matter if that number is a negative integer. As someone hinted years ago, jobs pretend to pay, employees pretend to work, and salary pretends to be one.

  1. The bank revolution

When it comes to banks, always remember one thing; ‘The bank is not your friend. The bank will never be your friend. The bank has never been your friend.’ Always deal with your bank the way you deal with fire. It can burn you any time. The bank is faceless. When it is time to withdraw your money, the bank is faceless. When it is time to be given a loan, the bank has a face, a beautiful face. When it is time to withdraw your money, the bank remembers every policy. It remembers that the signature must match on every stroke. Why now? Why on withdrawal? We had a micro airport revolution, we urgently need a bank revolution. You can do everything at a bank branch until it is time for the bank to explain a rare deduction on the account. Then it is time to write to the head of reconciliation through the branch manager on behalf on the banking executive, signed by the head of police, with LC 1 endorsements. Banks, Banks, Banks!

  1. The food revolution

We are all in some abusive relationship with a Ugandan restaurant. Even the best of Ugandan restaurants will mistreat you while pretending to love you. And there is this trend of complicating every menu item. Chips and chicken is suddenly, pan-fried chicken dipped in melanin sauce pommed with wedges in a frosty herb immersion.

Price? Shs75,000! One day we shall refuse.

One day we shall revolt against the confusion with the Antonio Vivaldi music you play in the background. One day we shall not accept those hot paper towels.

We also have our ‘lusaniya’ people, the ones that have made cabbage and ‘binyanyanya’ take the majority share of the ‘lusaniya.’ Where is our ka-animal? Where is it people? 2023 things must change. We will not start on the cocktail people. The ones that have confused our cocktails with water. Where is our alcohol people? Sooner than later, we shall revolt!

Twitter: ortegatalks

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