By the end of this year, everyone will have a doctorate.
Too hot to handle: The sun, the heat, the madness, this could explain all the confusion. Because if not for the sunshine, what else justifies the current madness, the delirium. Sometimes we are awake in this city, sometimes we are asleep. We lose track of events, everything and nothing is happening all at once. And then amidst all this, the rain comes around and sweeps off a stage.
The sun is in the wallet
In our wallets, it is the scorched-earth policy, there is nothing left. Our money is now in the imagination. We simply expect it. Every Ugandan has that money they expect at some point in future. We are expecting money the way we are expecting the sun. Our expectations are hinged on pure imagination, the fact that if you can believe it, you can achieve it. We are now gurus of manifestation. We can get some claps from Team Phaneroo.
It is a season of speaking things into existence, while finding several excuses. Everyone has a kid they have just sent back to school. And speaking of schools, What is this madness? Why are parents benching to enter the ‘big schools’? Isn’t this an illusion? If big schools are already taking on big students, should they take the credit when those kids turn out big?
Of course, we could make an allowance for Gungas. Yes, its products are not your usual. There is a Victorian flair to them. Have you people seen a Gungas girl? Have you had a moment with a Gungas lady? Have you had that conversation? She is the kind that understands tea with all its flavours, from the peppermints to the jasmines. She is the kind that reads Fyodor Dostoevsky.
Whereas every girl could claim to have read ‘Becoming’, for the Gungas girl, she is talking about Grushenka and Katerina Ivanova. She is talking about Homer’s Odyssey, she is discussing the behaviour of light particles. A Gungas girl does not listen to every kind of music, she picks her music to the detail, she knows the moments for Soul music, and, you will no’t find her wondering whether Kenzo is worthy of any comparison to Philly Bongole Lutaaya.
Uganda’s attempt at astrology
Because of the sun, Ugandans have developed a keen interest in astrology. But Vanessa, what exactly does the moon being in Pisces have to do with your life? Is this the reason why your Buwate rolex guy has added dust to the recipe?
“Please do not talk to me like that, I am a Leo.” Leo, Leo, Leo, take us mpola mpola. Is Leo the reason you entered the road without indicating? Is Leo the reason you have not delivered at work this month? The Horoscope generation is upon us. Now HR managers must grace themselves for this transition. Because who knows? Virgo may not work tomorrow because the stars are not aligning. And Virgo may be having a mood swing month.
But then, horoscopes must align to the wallet. There is no need reading that this month your energy is swinging you to the beach, that the winds are blowing you into higher positions. But which higher positions my dear? Unless by high you mean the new kind of tea that is taking Kampala by storm…
Doctorate, doctored, and doctors
By the end of this year, everyone in this country will have a doctorate in something. The irony is, Ugandans have taken a doctorate to imply the ability to doctor. If you can doctor something, you can now earn a doctorate. And what better way than to make a mockery of the humanities.
Soon, we shall be forced to refer to everyone as a doctor in this country. Apparently, everyone is treating something in this country. Some people are treating poverty, inferiority complex, love triangles, all the way to arrivalism. Looks like all problems in Uganda start and end with doctors. Ever since a doctor messed up some music artiste, he has never been the same. He has been jumping from one uncoordinated statement to the next. He has even picked up a musical battle with the dead.
What business do the living have with comparing themselves to the dead? How shall that battle even be settled? Or perhaps, they too should be awarded honorary doctorates so that at least they can settle and say; “I am Dr Musuuza, Kaana Ka Mbata, Mutula Ku Ngo.”
The sunshine and our relationships
The more it shines, the more it exposes our relationships. Last Sunday, the heat wave was at its peak. Everything was melting. A man in Bunga was shocked at the transformation, the night prior, he had fallen in love with a South American (so he says), but by afternoon, she was nowhere to be seen. She had melted into a girl born and bred in Nakulabye.
Make-up artistes must be in trouble now. How will they maintain the colours? At this rate, they could soon be required to give a performance guarantee, a warranty that the make-up shall hold in all conditions. And what is this business of in-laws bringing boxes of water to a kwanjula? Is this not mockery? What are they insinuating? That…? That what?
Why are you gifting us with what we presume to already have? Or are you blaming everything on the sunshine? Why are you gifting our girl water? Abako should behave for once!
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