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The Ugandan lies

The skin colour is a lie, the hair is a lie, the booty also a lie…

ISSA LIE. The President lies, the politicians lie, the citizenry lie, the bosses lie, the employees lie. We all do lie for a living. In Uganda, we tell lies by default, the truth, by mistake. We survive through lies. The day everybody tells the truth in Uganda is the day the country will collapse. It is the first country in the world that has been sustained on pure lies. Here is an intro to the commonest lies.

  1. Let me call you back

Ugandans will never end a phone call formally. Ugandans are so polite that they invented ways of ending a phone call without appearing to end it. When a Ugandan says; “let me call you back”, do not expect a call back. That is the Ugandan saying bye. Let me call you back means, let’s catch up in another two weeks.

  1. I will see what I can do

In Uganda, we never say no to requests. Unlike our Mama Ngina neighbours, in Uganda we are conservative with our truth. We want to appear helpful even when we plan not to. When you make that phone call for a bail out from a Ugandan, you will receive a positive reply. A Ugandan will reply; “Silina wo kati but let me see what I can do.” My dear, there is nothing to see, and there is nothing to be done.

  1. I am expecting some ka money

In Uganda, we are always hopeful. That is the source of our resilience. We always believe good things are always bound to happen. When the loan sharks come knocking, we always tell them: “I am expecting some ka money.” We have been expecting some ka money since 1986. And we never tire of expecting.

  1. I started my poultry farm with one egg

In Uganda, success stories never add up. Everyone will take you on a ride. Every success story in Uganda reads like Hamlet. It is only in Uganda where a man sold a cow and bought two puppies. The rest is history. In Uganda, everyone who succeeds will always paint a picture of ‘it’s extremely hard.’ In Uganda, you never make things appear simple to the man next door lest he also tries out the same thing.

Everything is made to look impossible in Uganda. Everyone is starting a poultry farm with one egg. It is only in Uganda where someone will earn no salary yet drive a full tank, and sleep in a fully-furnished apartment.

People who run boutiques, should we start on the stories? Huh, but when a Ugandan tells you they run a boutique, run as fast as you can. Ugandans rarely refresh their wardrobes.

  1. Team bleachers

In the next five years, melanin will become extinct in Uganda. Ugandans lie too much, that they have now taken the lies a step higher. It is now on their bodies. You show up at a school reunion and cannot recognise half of the alumni. It is not your fault, it is their fault. Everything is a lie. The skin colour is a lie, the hair is a lie, the booty is also a lie. In Uganda, you must always verify.

  1. Rwanda roots

Why is everyone struggling to link to Rwanda? Every Ugandan these days claims to have a Rwandan mother, Rwandan grandmother, Rwandan cousin, Rwandan girlfriend? What is the obsession about? Can’t people be Basoga and proud? Luo and proud? What is this obsession with finding links that do not exist? But trust Ugandans to link to anything trending.

When you succeed in Uganda, everyone will claim to have given you the tips that helped you along the journey. Poor men in Uganda claim to have been the rich man’s idea bank. Lies, lies, lies!

  1. Employee lies

It is only in Uganda where employees will murder a relative or claim to be sick out of the blue. In Uganda, when an employee does not show up for work, the reason code is always a death of a loved one or some random sickness. We are bold in our lies, we do not even get creative about them anymore. If it is a Monday and the bed seems sweeter than usual, then it is time to kill a distant cousin. If you are a new boss in Uganda, make reservations for your employee’s dead relatives.

  1. Funeral lies

If you attend a burial in Uganda, you are going to be inundated by lie after lie about the deceased. In Uganda, there is no bad dead person. Even a thief will be praised at their death. And everyone always claims to have closely interacted with the deceased. And in Uganda, people only die because of two reasons; “it is either witchcraft or it is the ka-insect.” In Uganda, there is no other cause of death. And once we have ascertained the cause of death, it is time to make promises to the orphans. Everyone claims they will always be there for the children. Some offer to pay all the school fees. Remember the rule, in Uganda if in doubt, assume it is a lie. We lie everywhere. Even uncles lie at graduation ceremonies. They ask graduates to share their CVs so they see what they can do. The uncle will become silent for the next decade.

  1. Time lies

In Uganda, we hate time so much that we even invented our own time.  We choose what time we want it to be. It can be 11am but we can choose to call it 8am. That is why people get shocked when a Ugandan event is meant to begin at 4pm but only starts at 6pm. My dear visitor, the event started at 4pm. In our heads, that thing which you call 6pm is 4pm. We are the first country in the world to conquer time. That is why a Monday in Uganda can become a Friday out of nowhere. That is why everyday is a party day in Uganda. There is no weekend, thereis no weekday. Time is what we command it to be!

Since we are conservative with the truth, yours truly will keep the rest of the lies to himself. You never reveal everything. For some bigger lies like; “I won’t enter…” those ones we leave them to the seniors in this game.

Twitter: ortegatalks

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