A topic so heated that one can only risk it on a Good Friday.
Heated: Regardless of whether you are a king, a commoner or a big boy in Uganda, there are some topics that one cannot risk walking into. Women’s shoes for example. It is a topic, so heated, so brazing, that one can only risk it on a Good Friday. For at least, even though the Uganda Women Association fails to forgive, you are certain Jesus has paid the price. For the men, this is not the article you read while in the presence of your Jada. It is now time that the shoes of Ugandan women get personified.
- Slide sandals
Slide sandals lives in Najjera. She has grown accustomed to the fact that nothing really lasts in life. She has seen Subarus fly into potholes, she has fought the wars of transport money. She is too tired to join the circle of kameeza fighters. But there is one thing about slide sandals; she is open to randomness. If you call slide sandals at 10pm, she will be around, call her at 7am, she will still show up. Slide Sandals does not come with baggage. Slide sandals got tired of zombying through traffic jam to her corporate place. Since then, she has morphed into an Instagram entrepreneur. What does she sell? Well, anything.
Slide Sandals is not a lover of stress. If a fight breaks out, Slide sandals will be on her twos, or the sandal will be on your cheek. Trust slide sandals to have all the gist around Kampala. She has been to every party, every baala, she has suffered in the cold of Bandali Rise. In summary, for slide sandals; ‘Tolina Kyomugamba’.
While at MUBS, gladiators trusted a little too much. She thought the world was black and white. One day, reality hit her, that everything had been a lie. Since then, gladiator has vowed to always avenge. Gladiator is as independent as they come. But also trust her not to go moving without a fight. Gladiators went to the Gungas of her times. She is a fighter, not to be muzzled under a pillow. She will speak out, she is assertive. And trust one thing with the gladiator; no sin committed against her goes unpunished. Gladiator expects you to know that her time is precious. If you are weak hearted, risk not for she will gladiate through your life. When gladiator is out with her friends, she is the one that raises her hand in the air and red-cards any man who tries to approach their table. And gladiator drinks only one thing; a sangria that is made by a dude with cornrows.
Wedges is as unbalanced as she seeks to find balance. Wedges stopped faking life. One day, she grew up, and realised it makes no sense to sleep in a hut in Kyanja, when one could find a palace in Bweyogerere. Wedges has waged war against ‘kajanja’. At weddings, wedges will never allow anyone to wedge through her and matooke. On Sundays, Wedges prefers to spend time watching those wedding shows, and critiquing the gown, the decoration, the gomesi with a fake knot.
Wedges believes that when her wedding happens, it will blow away the country. The best she has had is a Kukyala, and since then, the guy moved to Dubai. Only Wedges has the courage to date a Dubai guy. For if not courage, what else would drive someone to date a guy that poses by artificial flowers and spends time offering life advice on TikTok. It is from Dubai that the word ‘Dube’ was invented. If a Dubai man tells you it is raining, that is a sure sign it is shining. One must salute Wedges’ courage. It is the kind that a man has while walking out of the house without depositing kameeza money.
- Flip Flops
As the name suggests, Flip Flops does flip and flop. Flip Flops thinks of herself as a revolutionary, the one questioning the status quo. You will find Flip Flops at every event that has a swash of Western faces. In 2022 alone, Flip Flops has celebrated five birthdays and still counting. Flip Flops is broke but with standards. Now, there is no worse criminal than a broke person with standards. And on that note, Flip Flops is the kind that asks for Sweet and Sour sauce at an Acacia bar. Like really? You think a serious bar manager will stock Sweet and Sour for Flip Flops?
Although Flip Flops has no car of her own, she insists on being picked and dropped. She runs her account on the terms of ‘Cost Insurance and Flight”. You must pay all her costs, you must insure her against future brokenness, and you must pick and drop her at her place. If Simon Peter was a lady, then Flip Flops is that lady. Flip Flops is the reason there is more chappati than egg in a Bugolobi rolex. Just to remind you dear reader, Flip Flops, flips then flops on anything or anyone, everywhere, every time. Just to remind you once again dear reader, Flip Flops only holds iPhones with cracked screens. At least that is what she claims!
- Open Toes
Open Toes only dates Smackists. Open Toes owns land in Mukono, she has not been there in the last three years. Every time she is at her farm, she asks the farm manager for the boundary lines. She is the lady behind the update of phone farming in Kampala. Thanks to Open Toes, corporates can now farm from the comfort of their offices or homes, using nothing but a phone. All that Open Toes does is make a Friday call to Ronnie and inquires; “How many hens do we have? Have the broilers laid eggs?’ Open Toes is the reason one will not notice the irony in this phone farming. Of late, Open Toes cannot stop chanting about Government Bonds, Securities and Unit Trusts. She seeks to guarantee her future. For that reason, Open Toes records each of her expenses. Little does the town know about the incomes from her phone farm.
- Chelsea Boots
Chelsea Boots is that hardened babe from Nansana. Love her or hate her, she will make it for Blankets and Wine, update her WhatsApp status and keep posting in an apparent mood to ‘kulumya’. Chelsea Boots is not your wine girl. But when pestered to do wine, she has learned by rot that there is only one wine, aka ‘Cousins’. She only pronounces it as ‘Cousins’ because she cannot remember how many cousins they were. When out on a date, Chelsea Boots will send a voice note to her buddy in Zaana; “argghhhh Barbra, mpozi how many cousins are they?” Chelsea has learned to fit in by force.
She will kick her way through any wall. Recently, Chelsea Boots was nominated as a fellow at the many Ugandan NGOs. Now, all her conversations are full of gibberish and abbreviations about climate change, democracy. She cannot help but bring up these topics loud enough for the next table to get a clue that Chelsea Boots left Nansana to change Nansana.
- The Others
Now we do have the other crew. We have Dorsays, who recently had a dream wedding, and she keeps posting the videos everyone month. Dorsays is a come-lately on the Kampala social scene. There is Madame Clogs, she needs to decide whether she is a friend to Stilletos or Mary Janes. When she meets with her friends, Madame Clogs assumes every role in the kitchen.
Everyone loves Madame Clogs because she will always carry everyone’s load. Finally, you have Miss Crocs. She recently bought an Altezza, since then, she has been encapsulated by that same demon that afflicts Subaru and Altezza drivers. The thing about Miss Crocs, she knows every new personality type. She knows things about love languages. Of late, her love language is Kameeza money. It is because of Miss Crocs that Jesus cried out on the cross; “Ehhh ehh my Lord, I wonder.”
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