Keep your slay away: Nyege Nyege is not that serious people. Mind you my sister, no one is gonna notice any of your fake pradas, in fact, we will not even notice your scents. You can keep those things for the next Kampala brunch. But I wonder. How do you people hold brunches in Kampala? As in, you vibrate on a pothole then decide to still hold a brunch in this city?
I jolted out of bed to write this letter of national importance. It seems I have prematurely graduated from the school of Nyege Nyege. What else? Really, what else? What else can explain my absence after I invested in a whole tent. And worse, the purchaser keeps reminding me about my outstanding dues. That ka-girl. Anyway, since I am nowhere near Nyege Nyege, I have chosen to attend in spirit and reveal some worthy notes for the first timers. You do not have to follow anything here now. There is an option of coming back later and just using these notes as a regret pillow.
First, I must warn you that unless you are a warrior from your tribe, then it is never best to hit Nyege Nyege solo. You need a fighting partner. Because Nyege Nyege can break you. It is too big to handle with solo energy. But be careful, do not pick somebody who is going to become another adult to babysit. The kind that will be asking for some rare foods and cocktails at Nyege Nyege. If he is not the kind to dig into a rolex, if she is not the kind to enjoy a jug of beer and insists on their drink being served in some porcelain vase, drop them now. This is not a festival where you get imprisoned, it is one for letting the spirit free.
If the Kampala potholes have treated you badly, this is the moment when you can mock them. You can even dress up as a pothole (in case your body cannot help the case). It is also a reminder that Nyege Nyege is not that serious people. Mind you my sister, no one is gonna notice any of your fake pradas, in fact, we will not even notice your scents. You can keep those things for the next Kampala brunch. But I wonder. How do you people hold brunches in Kampala? As in, you vibrate on a pothole then decide to still hold a brunch in this city. And what’s with Ugandans and new things. Or it is just an obsession with things that come in fours. Suddenly, everyone wants to be taken to that Four Thing, to take the same kind of phone, and keep the same caption.
What is Nyege Nyege? Nyege is what you will make it. Do not come thinking we are to live to your expectations. Surely with all those stages, with all those people, with those many days, if you cannot find something in it that is for you, then it is not Nyege, you are the problem. Also be warned, you can never eat the whole of Nyege Nyege.
Yes, take ko a ka-little of Nyege Nyege every day, every moment, keep some of it for the future Nyege Nyeges. If you attempt to consume the whole of Nyege, you will be consumed. There are people that attempt this on the first night they enter, some of them only woke up in Kampala. Reduce the ‘maddu.’ Eat small and reserve some space. Do not be trying things you have never tried. On that note, have a ka-plan, some sketch in your head, what do you want to make out of Nyege Nyege? Do you want to come across that girl you have only met at a Kampala fellowship? Do you want to come across your boss in shorts with his bu-legs on full display?
But there is also a rule, whatever happens at Nyege, stays at Nyege. When you get back to Kampala in the new week, those are memories you keep to yourself. You may have seen your boss and his toothpick legs; those are memories for keeps. You know, he also knows, but the ability to keep these secrets will earn you a promotion. Do not be thinking promotions come from dreading the Kampala floods and sending those emails; ‘trusting this finds you well?’ In the real world, no one really reads emails. Everyone has a formula for reading emails.
Sometimes, they close their eyes and read at random, sometimes delete at random. Other times, they just reply with one word; ‘well noted.’
Wait, we were still about Nyege Nyege. Okay we know it is a free world. But do not over-tap people’s things. Do not over-stay your welcome at different points. If you smoke some things and you feel the dimensions shift, run to your ka-bed. Things have happened where people revealed their true ages, where people showed us big scars and convinced us these were tattoos.
And before I forget, this week, I was meant to tell Bebe Cool that it is time. It is time to retire! The reinvention has failed. Every song he has tried this year has been a disaster. Cool is no longer cool. Cool is drooling. I have some bu-business ideas. With his body, he could even start a security company and hire out bouncers. Sometimes things just refuse and you must accept. And for my serious people, if she claims to be an avid reader and has not encountered a Dostoyevsky book, drop her like lightning. That one, leave her for married men!