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How to survive 2023 in Uganda…

Do everything else, but do not pay for gym…

Getting through: Gone are the days when life here was for the living. In 2023, life is for surviving, for grabbing the bull by the horn. Come 2023, one must adopt the Azawi Majje mentality, and pull off a number of tricks in order to survive.

  1. Bargain for pothole allowance

In everything you do going forward, always bargain for a pothole allowance. Yes, there is transport allowance, there is fuel allowance, the time is now to remind your human resource manager, your finance manager about the most crucial allowance, aka pothole allowance. And pothole allowance will differ from place to place.

Those who reside in the areas of Sir Apollo Kaggwa can choose to ask for triple. Those whose small cars are completely swallowed by potholes could even seek pothole insurance. In 2023, consider the pothole in everything you do. There is no reason, for example, for you to date someone who stays in the areas along Salaama Rd. That is tantamount to suicide.

  1. Do not pay for gym membership

There is the urge to pay for gym membership, there is the urge to get your dream body. We all know how it ends. 2023 is not a year for pretense. It is not a year for trying again. You tried in 2019, in 2020, do not bother with this thing. Just spend the money on Ugandan concerts. Spend it on the General wing.

There will always be some exercise to do. Kifeesi and the likes will help you. If that does not help, join the Opposition in Uganda. Show up at the Makerere Convocation elections and watch yourself become fit in style. Do everything else, but do not pay for gym. There is no reason for a Ugandan to have gym membership that is nothing but kajanja. Life in Uganda is a gym.

  1. Do not date, associate

In 2023, we do not subscribe to things, we do not belong to any group, we simply associate. Find someone you wish to love, and associate when it is convenient. Associate on crucial days when you are required to show up with a plus one. On days such as Valentine’s Day, on dinners. Start to act professional. There is no reason for two strangers to be living together, causing havoc for each other all in the name of love.

In 2023, we are loving professionally. Nothing like bae, but associate. With such an interconnected network in Kampala, the best one can do is associate. Leave the dating to the people mentored by the Beyonces of this world. Leave it to Sheilah and team.

  1. That Master’s degree will not change things

We know you are spending millions on that Master’s degree. But why are you in a class of over 50 students? That alone should scare you, that should send a warning signal. Why are you trying to master something that more than 50 people are interested in? Slow down, drop out if you can. Take things mpola mpola. There is no rush.

Even in 2024, there will be space to master something. Go master more important things, such as dodging Kampala’s potholes. But anyway, it is your life. Proceed to master whatever thing you had embarked on. Proceed to hire someone to do the thesis. Proceed to the graduation. And the moment you graduate, you will be shocked at how everyone around you already has a Master’s degree.

  1. Do not do DNA, we are all God’s children

In 2023, ignorance is bliss. Do not seek troubles. Do not check your partner’s phone. For what use is it to know what will hurt you? Do not dare fate, do not dare the forces of nature. 2023 is about blind trust. Even if the baby’s ears seem to be doodling close to your best friend Ken’s ears, do not be tempted to perform a DNA test. After all, you and Ken are one. We are all children of Adam and Eve, of Kintu and Nambi. Spend the DNA test money on a road trip, spend that money on buying yourself a new shoe. I repeat, do not dare fate.

  1. Do not buy an iPhone

Resist the pressure to belong. Resist the pressure to fit in. Resist the pressure to upgrade. Nancy has an iPhone but she still uses a boda boda. Ben too has an iPhone but he still has to cook up reasons why he did not work on January 2.

You see my friend, the iPhone has not made them immune. Even Tasha was dumped with her iPhone. You my friend, why are you trying to get the iPhone? To take better photos? To talk to Siri? There will be another release by the time you buy the latest model. You cannot keep up with Apple. Accept that you are a Ugandan. Why are you buying an iPhone anyway? To read the General’s tweets? Really?

  1. Just accept the minimum

In Uganda, you celebrate when people do the bare minimum. You celebrate when a waitress leads you to a table. You celebrate when you order a cappuccino and it comes as a cappuccino. You celebrate when you order a pizza and it comes in one piece.

In 2023, celebrate the little joys. That is the best you can get in this country, the bare minimum. Do not expect much of the cocktails. Just drink. Do not expect much from relationships, just date. Do not expect much from your pastor, just pray. Do not overthink things in Uganda. Just tolerate, just persevere, just survive. And once you adopt this mentality, nothing will break you!

Twitter: ortegatalks

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