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Behold, Christ is born in Kampala, Uganda

These are new tricks by the NUP…

Holiday time: Christmas season is upon us and if you are a good Christian, you know that it means a celebration on Jesus’birth. However, if you are a Ugandan and particularly a Kampala netizen, you might relate differently. There are different perspectives to the saviour’s birth because I mean, we are living in times where every new development or news leaves some media houses wondering where this leaves the opposition.

On December 25, 2022, a boy named Jesus was born at the Lufula city abattoir after being turned away at the Mulago National Hospital. According to observers, the parents of Jesus arrived on a boda boda in the wee hours of the night.

It had been a long journey from Masaka. At one point, the traffic officers stopped the taxi and wondered if indeed Mary was pregnant. According to the police spokesperson, Afande N-anger, the police is currently investigating circumstances to ascertain if indeed Mary was ever pregnant.

“This issue of Jesus has been blown out of proportion. For starters, the police cannot even prove that Jesus was born or even exists. Secondly, how shall we prove that Mary was pregnant?” he questioned at a media engagement.

Afande N-anger further clarified that the public should be alert and vigilant lest some people hoodwink them.

“How can a virgin woman get pregnant? These are new tricks by the NUP movement to seek unnecessary public sympathy,” he noted.

On Twitter, the mood was sombre. General Mkay, a friend to the Nigerian musician, Ckay, did not have kind words for the new baby rumoured to be a king in the making.

“There is only one throne, there is only one kingdom, my father is the current king and I am the next in line,” the General tweeted.

General Mkay further warned that all those who purport to be kings should know that there is only one kingdom, the kingdom of the Cwezi.

“The enemies of Uganda, the ones who claim to have their father in heaven will be sent to meet their father soon if they do not stop the madness!” the General warned.

It remains to be seen how Jesus will manage with his life in Kampala. Despite numerous requests to have the child subjected to DNA at Wandegeya, Jesus’ parents are not open to this confusion. Joseph has already committed to taking up all the paternal duties. Despite his meagre income as a carpenter, Joseph is committed to work tooth and nail to support Jesus.

Jesus was paid a visit by a team of three wise men (Mwenda, Mirundi, Mowzey).

Mwenda says the birth of Jesus is a pivotal moment in Uganda’s history. It represents a great transformation, a period when capital meets labour, when the bourgeoisie, the proletariat, the peasant and the forces of the political economy blend.

“If you look at it in the eyes of GDP per capita, this is just as it was when Chairman Mao was born in China, this is that moment in Uganda. By the time Jesus matures, it will cost the citizens almost zero to construct a kilometre of tarmac in Uganda,” Mwenda commented.

Mirundi was also ecstatic about these events.

“Theezi are ze times I told you about. Read here. When did I write this book? I told you about the muko. Finally, ze mafias that chased me out of the State House, someone has come for them. You have always been asking about Museveni’s successor. It is Jesus. Naye Omuko! Omuko!” Mirundi commented.

Around town, the pastors and prophets have been warning about the new false prophets in town. How could someone say God made a virgin to be pregnant with a baby boy? The prophets have declared three days of fasting to cast out these false prophets from town. “The Messiah will come at the right time. The Messiah cannot be born in a slaughterhouse. There is no way the Messiah would be born, and the world remains the same. The potholes remain unpatched. Yours truly Pastor Wisdom will tell you when the Messiah is born,” Pastor Wisdom assured his congregation.

In the Academic world, there is a raging debate as doctors are declaring it impossible. They suspect Mary is withholding some information. A virgin to give birth? Who recorded these events at the abattoir or Mulago?

The slay queens have no kind words for Mary. “You see, this is what I always tell you. Those church girls who claim to be holy, stay home, now see, she does not even know the father of the child.” James Onen took this moment to emphasise the message; “fear that gender.”

As Jesus grows older, he will have to be prepared for the hard life ahead. He will have to be warned about the need to have a gamba n’ogu in this town. He will face life in a UPE school, and it is no guarantee that he will find committed teachers. The child will probably have to take on fishing in the holidays in order to make some school fees. Again, that is not a guarantee as requirements to enter this industry have tightened.

“We hear Jesus wants to find some disciples. But he must register that company or political party. He must also seek police clearance for all his future gatherings,” the Attorney General advised. The President of the country, Yoweri Museveni had only one comment; “The fact that Jesus has been born speaks to the fundamental changes driven by NRM. Before we came to power in 1986, there were many Jesus’ dying. But now things are too good, even when Mulago is full, Jesus can get born in Lufula. I advise Jesus and his parents to keep him safe from Ebola, malaria and Covid-19.”

Behold Jesus is born in Kampala, Uganda.

Disclaimer: The writer reassures all Generals that the Jesus depicted here is purely fictional and thus no abattoir should be raided in a search for Jesus!

Twitter: ortegatalks

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