It is not a birthday unless there is a run…
Standards: If you have celebrated a birthday before, I am pleased to inform you that you have been doing it wrong. There is a proper way to celebrate a Ugandan birthday. There is a way to launch the birthday celebrations, and there is also a way to pause them, and then complete them. Today, brace yourself to learn all the ins and outs to celebrating a Ugandan birthday.
- Have a powerful aunt
If you do not have a powerful aunt, then you do not qualify to celebrate a birthday in Uganda. In fact, not just one but a Sacco of powerful aunts. You must keep reminding all your potential guests that your aunt will be attending your birthday. When people annoy you, take time to remind them about the greatness of your aunts. About how your aunts invented the light bulb, took people to the moon, invented sliced bread. Just never run out of stories about the legacy of your aunt. When you get bored, you can always write along the lines of; “My aunt this, my aunt that, my aunt said.”
- Open a Twitter account
This should be the one rule you do not break as a birthday girl. Every birthday girl ought to have a Twitter account. It is a prerequisite before you even think about your birthday celebrations. It is your main platform, it is your biggest arsenal. It is with your Twitter account that you will update all your fans, the real and the imagined. Yes, imagination will come in handy. You must assume that the whole world has been brought to a standstill because of your birthday. That not even the Oscars and the Grammys of this world can compare. Remember, tweet about everything else.
- Appoint the birthday committee
Everything in life must be structured. And the birthday must embody structure. Therefore, this is the time to put up your birthday committee. Begin to appoint your friends, your heroes, and let them know of their duties. Do not forget the chief mobilisers. You do not have to announce the committee at once, it is a rolling wave, you can keep adding names as they come to mind. Your committee should be granted numbers. For example, ROO02 could be the King of Yoruba, RK40 could be the Mayor of Nkokonjeru. Just have a committee, the rest you can figure out as time progresses.
- The birthday launch
Life is about disruption. The greatest of marketing is disruptive. For your birthday, plan something disruptive. Remember your Twitter account, it is now time to cut it off. Keep people in suspense. Hold the tension. Go missing without a proper explanation. After weeks of reflection, return and announce that the birthday is on. Yes, here comes the greatest of events in the history of human beings.
- The birthday run
It is not a birthday unless there is a run. Everything in Uganda starts and ends with a run. In Uganda, everyone is always running. As a birthday girl, you ought not to break the rules. Organise the birthday run, but on condition that you show up when all are done running and thank them for sacrificing their sleep for your case. That this sacrifice is a true exhibition of love and God’s favour. It is your day, it is your run, let your fans run on your behalf.
- The parties
Now that the run is done, it is time to focus on the 10-point birthday programme. You must appoint a minister for sports and another for entertainment. It is the minister for entertainment to take over next. Open the parties globally. Not everyone has to come for the main event, they can celebrate virtually. It is a world of virtual-working, we can also have virtual celebrations. Invite all musicians, invite all socialites, this is a party like no other. The parties should be tiered. In order not to be overwhelmed by your fans, have some celebrations in Najjera and others in Muyenga. Reserve the Muyenga spots for the best of the best and for your great family ties. Hope by now as a birthday girl, you still remember your aunts and Auntys.
- The birthday speech
Forget Martin Luther King and his dream, forget Obama and his Audacity of Hope, forget Jesusand th e sermon on the mountain, this is the moment to erase them from the books of history. With your aunt in town, let everyone know about your unbreakable bond with your aunt and mother. Then launch your speech. Ensure that all your fans clap at every stage. When you cough, they clap, when you smile, they clap. You are the Lion of Judah, the great Bihogo cow.
- The pause
Because of too much love, you will get fatigued. It is important that you schedule some pauses along the way. We shall call these pauses or breaks; ‘ceasefires.’ Language is important in these celebrations. It is the commoners that celebrate one birthday and call it a day. For a great Ugandan birthday, it never ends, we simply take a break, aka ceasefire. Ceasefire is important, you must ascertain the ideological and revolutionary clarity of all the attendees. Once clarity is confirmed, resume hours later.
- Laugh at your haters
Having brought the neighbourhood to a standstill, it is time to have the last laugh. It is time to mock your haters, all those who thought your birthday would not break world records. You have now done it all, your powerful aunts graced the ceremony, you have achieved all there is to achieve, conquered the valleys and the mountains, the craters, the lakes, the islands, the plants, the archipelagos, the tsunamis, you are the greatest birthday girl ever lived. Take a moment and tweet all those haters out of existence. You are the rose that grew on concrete.
- Keep tweeting
Finally, when you have mocked the haters, when you have shoved your success in their faces, it is time to do the one job that every birthday girl ought to do – keep tweeting. Keep tweeting because victory is assured, keep tweeting because your birthday had the most handsome dudes. Keep tweeting because you come from the royal lineage. You are the greatest birthday girl that ever lived. Before you know it all, you may find yourself in some sweet seat, thus says the prophecy.
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