Connect
To Top

The Parliament we shall never have

Imagine a house with a Gashumba, a Mirundi, a Full Figure

Inside Parliament. The 11th Parliament has started business, but deep down, there are people we secretly wish we could see on the floor of the House.

Imagine for a moment that all Uganda’s most outspoken fellows were put in the same house. Imagine that in this one house we had a Tamale Mirundi, a Frank Gashumba, a Full Figure, a Mwenda, name them all. Do not imagine anymore, for in an alternative universe, we figured out how the debate would flow:

Mwenda: Mr Speaker, I would like to move a motion to discuss a tax amendment when it comes to the offshore and intercompany transactions.

Gashumba: In the words of Martin Luther King; “take note of your company, the people who hang around you.” I second this motion.

Mirundi: Point of order. Is it in order for walutwetwe to even stand on this floor of Paliyamenti? He is being used by mafias. I know them. I will name them. One of these days we shall see them running. Shouldu I menshoni theya names?

Speaker: Unfortunately, Hon. Mirundi, you are out of order.

Mirundi: Here, read my book. When did I write it? Read the title; “the rise and fall of Kadaga, a tale of a sugarcane in the milling machine…”

Mwenda: But we cannot refer to books as part of Parliamentary procedure. Otherwise, I could tell you about the Greek goddess Hestia who was battling the Greek god Oulanyas in 234BC.

Full Figure: You know, you see, my name is First daughter

Bajjo: Wabula Full Figure can speak englishi. Tusimbudde!

Gashumba: Have you read about my daughter Sheilah Gashumba? She was the first Ugandan to exhaust five passport booklets in one year. She was the first Ugandan to have a daily God’s Plan. As we speak, Sheilah Gashumba earns more than a Ugandan MP. Abavandimwe Oyee!

Mirundi shouting ‘maya maya maya’ storms towards Mwenda who makes a dash for the Speaker’s ceremonial mace.

Gashumba gets out his phone to start live-streaming. Blames everything on Museveni’s divisive ways.

Elwelu jets in ready to bring the house to order. Asks for target.

Elwelu: Just point me to the culprits. Me, I finish on spot. (At this point Mirundi is hiding with his hammer and rosary.)

Museveni: Who is causing chaos? Hope you all know that I am Yoweri Museveni, President of Uganda, General of the National Resistance. In 1986…

Bobi Wine: We are fighting for freedom. No one wants to know your titles. We are removing a dictator. But wait a minute, where is Mr Update? Where is everyone?

Fred Lumbuye (streaming): We are right here in Uganda, the situation at Parliament indicates that Museveni is currently resigning. Bobi Wine is about to swear in any time. All NUP members can get on the streets and join in the celebrations.

 Twitter: ortegatalks

Don’t want to miss out on any story? For updates on all Sqoop stories, follow this link on Telegram: https://t.me/Sqoop

Leave a comment

More in Columnists