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Forgive us Father for we have sinned…

Special lot: Have you met people who wear crocs and happy socks? How about those people who sit behind counters? See how they all feel high and mighty?

It is Good Friday and we ought to repent. We ought to ask God to forgive us of the many sins we’ve committed, the known and the unknown. We know some sins may be hard to overcome; Najjera, Subaru drivers, the Buwate dust, name it all. Or perhaps, the people who order their rolex via a delivery person. That’s uncultured of them. But there are some sins that we need to address as soon as possible.

The Croc generation

Crocs have become something else in this country. They are the new travel uniform for the ‘Tulambule’ freaks. If you are on a road trip and you happen to lack crocs, you will be stigmatised. How on earth do you move around without these plastic shoes? Worse still, without those happy socks. We are repenting on behalf of all those chaps who wear crocs and socks. And how they are always unsettled in the travel bus.

But where did this madness of crocs come from? How did we move from African craft sandals to crocs and socks? Apparently, it all started with our Naija brothers in the Bunga areas. They popularised the idea of crocs in bars, supermarkets, even in churches. It wasn’t long before the Subaru boys jumped on the trend, now the rest is history. But this is a warning, if you meet a man who drives a Subaru, who adores crocs and socks, and stays in Najjera, run for your life. Run as fast as your legs can take you. We thus ask that the good Lord forgive us for the sins of the crocs generation.

Ugandan brokers and carpenter

No matter how well you describe your house requirements to the Ugandan broker, they still won’t take you to the right house on the first try. Ugandan brokers will always start you off with their worst of options. After a long and tedious process of house-searching, they will confess how they are now clear about your needs. But it will require a second trip on another day. You are meant to pay for their transport and daily facilitation.

Then we have the Ugandan carpenters, addicted to advance payments and late deliveries. “You see madam, that mahogany wood is a special one. We get it from the forests of Congo. Please pay up today so that I can book with the guys going there tomorrow morning,” the carpenter will tell the client. Once payment is received, the conversation changes. You are now at the mercy of the carpenter. If you don’t have patience, don’t risk dealing with Ugandan carpenters.

Prophets, Apostles, Brothers

Ugandan pastors are a clever lot. They know a thing or two about marketing and rebranding. They understand that at some point, a brand must evolve and undergo a rebirth. When the title of ‘Pastor’ became mainstream, they realised it was time to appear in a whole new setup. Pastors are now ordinary chaps. The people who make news are prophets, apostles, brothers and even bishops.

People are more likely to tithe when it is the prophet that has commanded. No one fears pastors anymore. But for a prophet, you tread carefully. You cannot risk attacking a man who can investigate your past and future.

Prophets know how to humble their followers. Most of the prophets have walked with Jesus, dined with him, and even raced cars with him on Entebbe Express. If there is one sin worth forgiving, it is the complete rebrand of the church titles. Soon pastors will call themselves kings and we shall be reduced to subjects.

The people who man counters

Have you been to the supermarket checkout? The chaps at these counters breathe a special kind of air. That item scanner is the only thing that speaks at these stations. When all is said and done, they mention the bill and stare at you to quickly pay up and make way for the next client. God forbid you meet those supermarkets that keep reminding us of closed counters.

Then we have the bank tellers. Ugandan banks repel potential savers. We don’t have a poor savings culture in Uganda. We simply have a repulsive bank culture. Banks are confusing for an ordinary Ugandan. The process in the bank is only easy at the point of depositing, anything beyond that is intentionally made complex.

We need friendlier banks. Banks that make farmers and boda boda riders comfortable. The innovation award will go to that one person who figures out how to make bank spaces more user-friendly. The bank tellers make it worse. Make a cross on a paper and then command the client; ‘sign here, and here, and here.’ And that one gentleman who keeps moving across. What’s his actual role in the bank hall?

Banks should worship their clients. Now, clients are made to worship and prostate before the banks, the tellers, and the managers. On this Good Friday, we hope the blood can be shed for the redemption of bank employees.

Twitter: ortegatalks

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