To Top

The Monday troll: Here and there

Facebook leaves NRM bots singing dirges

A Ugandan man who lives off peddling abandoned rumours on Facebook has warned the social media giants of dire consequences, including having it blocked in Uganda, over deleting several accounts of NRM regime bots.

Ashburg Katto has asked President Museveni to block Facebook in Uganda. Katto, in his twisted sense of humour, sent the warning using Facebook’s other platform, Twitter.

Joining Katto in singing dirges (funeral songs) after Facebook served them chilled noodles, was Isma Olaxess, who has been crossing his tongue and swearing to buy the Red Sea and Indian Ocean and force all their waters down Mark Zuckerberg’s throat.

The performances of the NRM bots have left many funeral service firms convinced that after the election, they can recruit the Kattos, Olaxesses and Abigabas as professional moaners cum mourners to accompany those black vans both as sirens and during the funeral itself.

‘I’m Don Zella, not Dollar Zella’

City socialite Sheila Nadege has demonstrated the easiest steps to losing an American visa, explaining that whereas her body piercings point at fake beauty, she is not fake at all and does not deal in fake.

“My alias is Don Zella, not Dollar Zella,” Nadege said. “I don’t do fake dollars.”

The socialite said she is the most legit thing to happen to Uganda since NRM-organised elections and Gen Muhoozi’s tweets.

She refuted allegations that she used fake dollars to fake a dollar theft in her hotel room.

“Only if you want to lose your visa would you do such a thing. Do I look insane to engage in such acts?” she asked, adding that any fake dollar found with anyone “is for that person, not mine.”

Nadege said she is not appearing at Police now to protect her remaining nose, tongue, lips and eyelid pins from robbers.

Mayinja: I diffused a phone bomb

Singer Ronald Mayinja did not steal a phone belonging to a reporter but merely acted fast to avert a tragedy after sensing an explosive within the device.

Mayinja, who was last week accused of making off with a phone belonging to The Observer journalist after a marathon recorded interview, said he saved the journalist’s life.

“Even IGP Okoth-Ochola knows that you journalists are always at risk and have to be beaten to be saved,” he said. “At least I didn’t beat the reporter, I merely saved her life.”

Mayinja said he is a Russian-trained bomb expert with speciality in defusing explosives. He added that he sensed the reporter’s phone had an explosive rigged in it and to save her life, he ran after her and grabbed the phone.

“I had to open the phone apart to defuse the bomb. I saved her life,” he said.

Disclaimer: This is a parody column


Leave a comment

More in Columnists

  • The sun will still rise, even after Jan 14

    This week, we are coming to the end of one of the most action-packed presidential campaigns many of us have ever...

    Andrew KaggwaJanuary 11, 2021
  • Fashion predictions for 2021

    Merry Christmas everybody! I hope this year’s celebrations will be memorable and fruitful for you and your loved ones. Seeing as...

    Faith AmonginDecember 26, 2020
  • Bring back the nineties Christmas

    The nineties were unforgettable. Uganda had just come out of a turbulent past and now, for the first time, a good...

    Faith AmonginDecember 25, 2020
  • Constitution of the Stingy Men Association of Uganda

    Remember, the stingy shall inherit the earth. The generous shall die with regrets. The stingier, the better: Stingy Men of Uganda...

    Ian OrtegaDecember 21, 2020
  • Ladies and gentlemen… the list of noisemakers

    Noisemakers: A month will probably not pass without them being in the news. They live for that and have somehow mastered...

    sqoopadminNovember 8, 2019
  • Semyekozos & business ideas for greedy peeps

    Stop confusing us. Love nigg*s/semyekozos are commitment phobes who think the world rotates around then, well until they realise that it...

    sqoopadminNovember 8, 2019
  • Make waaaay y’all… Subaru approaching

    Always revved up: There is just something about Subaru drivers that gives them that urge for speed. Is it the nature...

    sqoopadminOctober 25, 2019
  • “Just Slaps… For You”

    Hearing Winnie Nwagi on Television naively explain the regrettable treatment of her housemaid left me aghast. As if the criminal choice...

    IAN FORD NKERAOctober 25, 2019
  • Decoding love nigg*s

    It turns out the so-called ‘love nigg*s’ might need to be phased out to prolong humanity… mbu. It has also been...

    IAN FORD NKERAOctober 18, 2019