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2022 Ugandan Prophecies

New beginning: At the beginning of the year, people set out to do things and also prophesy what they believe will be the new year. Will it pass though?

Do you know what 2022 has to offer? Did your pastor reveal something? Worry not, these are the sure prophecies that will come to pass in Uganda come 2022.

  1. Your New Year resolutions will be postponed

Remember that gym body you’ve promised to deliver in 2022? Well, it won’t come to pass. By the end of January, life will have got the best of you. You won’t have the slightest memory of your new year resolutions. Make peace with this fact, make peace with the idea that just like the Ugandan government and its promises, so are you with your resolutions.

  1. Uganda will face off with Kenya on Twitter

Watch this space, there is never a year when Uganda doesn’t pick a fight with the Kenyan tweeps. By mid-year, having suffered the brunt of the year, Ugandans will be looking for an adrenaline release. The best option will be to pick a fight with our neighbours. And as usual, we shall lose miserably. We shall have no comeback other than waiting for the next year to try again.

  1. To buy a house or car first argument won’t be settled

The people who see bags of cement in every aspect of life will still be facing off with the guys who decided to buy cars first. Like the chicken and egg puzzle, this argument will take off but not get concluded. In the rainy season, the guys of the cars will win the argument. Sadly, as the Landlord comes knocking, the guys with houses in Kitukutwe will win the argument.

  1. Tamale Mirundi won’t reveal the names of the mafias

The motor-mouthed personality will still leave us in suspense. He will threaten to release the names of the mafias that run this country. It will be another veiled threat. Nothing will come out of that threat. We shall go from one talk show to another, one vlog to another, but without the slightest hint of the mafias.

  1. Your pastor will grow richer

One thing you can be certain of, is that your Pastor will be getting better this year. He will grow richer, in 2022, your pastor will take the doubling principle to heart. He will ask you to keep sowing for the Kingdom of God. He will grant you prophecies about your life, promise to turn around your relationships, your employment status, and promise to fight off all your enemies. The one promise your pastor will keep is his ability to grow richer.

  1. The Zoom lies won’t end

“Can you hear me?” “Sorry I lost you there” “Having problems with my internet” “Have failed to Share my Screen” The Zoom professionals will continue to reinvent themselves. From having zoom calls while half-dressed to pretending their microphones have failed just at that moment when a question is directed at them.

Meanwhile, the email crew won’t be giving up soon. They will still have their signature starter; “trust this finds you well…” There are two ways to survive in the corporate world; have your zoom game and have your email game. Once you learn this, just improve your Excel and PowerPoint skills.

  1. Employees will murder Their relatives

For some reason, employees never run out of dead relatives. And for some reason, these people only die on Mondays and Fridays. They will start off with their aunties to their uncles to their brothers. Once they run out of people to kill, employees will reinvent themselves with all kinds of sicknesses. They will be suffering from constant bacterial infections, fatigue, name it all. We request HR managers to brace themselves for this long journey of dead relatives and unexplained illnesses.

  1. School requirements will shock you

Schools won’t be running out of creativity. Thanks to Covid-19, there’s a whole new way to justify requirements. Schools will be charging you for masks, temperature guns, monthly Covid-tests, funds for construction of isolation rooms on site, Sanitizer refill charges. Be strong,dear parent.

  1. The bribe dictionary will grow bigger

There’s no corruption in Uganda. You can’t accuse anyone of taking a bribe in Uganda. For no one ever asks for a bribe in this country. Instead, people ask for things such as water or tea. In the office, someone will ask; “okozze otya leero” “Otambudde otya” They will ask if you have a plan of making them smile. Nothing is ever direct in this country. Now with Covid-19, the bribe dictionary will incorporate statements such as: “first sanitise”, “have you followed the SOPs?” “Do you have your Covid-19 certificate?” For most foreigners, it takes a long time to master this language.

  1. Number of massage parlours in Naalya will overtake churches

In 2022, it will be much easier to find a massage parlour in Naalya than to find a church. Are Naalya chaps getting too fatigued? What else could explain the massage parlours that keep popping up at every corner? Maybe 2022 will be the year we get the Uganda Association of Massage Parlours.

  1. We shall enter the Metaverse

We have gone digital. All our lives are online. We spend more time inside our phones than outside. In 2022, we shall embrace the metaverse. Filters will replace make-up costs. No need of applying makeup, all you must do is apply the best of filters and build your online persona. Come 2022, people will be meeting in real life after signing terms and conditions. That the person you’re about to meet looks nothing close to what they have projected online. The number of rich men online will keep growing, while that of real-life rich men diminishes. People will own apartments online but have nothing to show on the ground. When you notice all these, know for sure, you have entered the metaverse.

 Twitter: ortegatalks

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