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Categories of Ugandan boyfriends

The sponsor has only one role – to give and give.

AGM REPORT: The Uganda Girlfriend Association (UGA) recently held their Annual General Meeting. One of the items on the agenda was about the re-classification of the Ugandan boyfriends. Times have changed and Ugandan boyfriends have evolved. These are the newly confirmed categories of Ugandan boyfriends.

  1. The sponsor, aka dzaddy

Usually much older in age, the sponsor has been maintained as a key category. The sponsor has only one role – to give and give. The sponsor is responsible for ensuring life is smooth. The sponsor is the first point of contact. There is no limit to how many people one can have in the sponsor category. The only underlying factor is the ability to give without whining, to spend without conditions. Spending must be a hobby for the person in this category. The sponsor must also not be hungry for attention or fame. He must be the kind to value privacy.

  1. The Uber boyfriend

If he has a car, then this is his default category. If you need to move around town, run some errands, this is the boyfriend. The Uber boyfriend must drive you to any destination around Uganda. He gets paid with hugs and a few selfies where you feature together. It must be clear to all your female friends that this boyfriend is the designated driver. Stuck at some bar in the wee hours of the night? Worry not, just buzz Uber Boyfriend and he will rush to drop you and your friends to your homes. If you keep giving him hope, the Uber Boyfriend will never stop outdoing himself.

  1. Sekadama, aka Dubai crew

Now you must tread carefully with this Middle East category. They can take you for a ride in the desert. They have mastered their game. They know how to take the right photos in the right places. They never stop making empty promises; “Hun, I am coming back. Do you know any good apartments?” According to UGA, all girlfriends are advised to exercise caution with this category. Girlfriends must be two steps ahead of the Dubai crew.

Don’t book any apartment until he sends the money. Many will come, make girls foot all the expenses, as they claim; “I haven’t got time to exchange my dirhams.” Sekadamas are also fans of video calls. They never tire of asking you to send your photos. A financial PCR test must be carried on them upon arrival at the airport.

  1. Subaru bae

Subaru dudes are always awesome people to date. If you want adventure, you want to create lifetime memories, these are the dudes. There will always be something that keeps you on your toes. They never settle in one place, someone is always trying to steal them. Of course, they also long to be stolen. But do not expect to make a husband out of them. They keep cycling between being broke and breaking even.

Subaru dudes will prioritise their car over your needs. Be careful, they come with risks of Stockholm syndrome. You will get addicted to them, some friends may blame witchcraft. Others will wonder why a girl would keep with a man whose only achievement in life is growing a side beard, wearing a cap, and revving an engine.

You should only keep Subaru baes for Nyege Nyege and Blankets. Because they surely have the vibe, like all broke men, their redeeming factor is the vibe!

  1. The influencer

Not so different from the Subaru bae, except that these ones have zero vibe, and have no car to flaunt. If you take away hashtags and iPhone logos from their life, everything falls apart. The one thing about the Influencer boyfriend is that they will always flaunt you for all to see. They have buckets of compliments. You will always wake up on their profile picture. But be sure, even the date they take you to, will be another gig. They are always working on something big, there is always some project cooking. But if you are tired of stories in your life, avoid these at all costs. Life is worth more than a hashtag or Twitter space.

  1. Jumia, aka errand boyfriend

If you marry this dude, he will fetch firewood at your family funerals. He does not have money, but he has the energy. He is with you through thick and thin. He is liberated by his labour. If you want to buy a fridge from Katwe, he is the guy you send.

He is an expert in everything, from changing car tyres to unblocking sinks. This guy is also a good cook. He is a servant boyfriend. He won’t change your life, but he will teach you what it means to care for a woman, by lightening her burden.

  1. Corporate ninja

He drives a company car, his company ID is always strung around his neck. He is probably holding a company phone and will call using company airtime. If you want to attend every event in this town, this corporate guy is the connection. He will try to prove a point using his company position.

It is hard to tell at what point his company benefits stop and his money starts. Corporate ninja always talks big. He always claims to know someone somewhere. Until it is time to get travel permits and he goes missing.

Twitter: ortegatalks

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