Connect
To Top

Valentine’s is here, where’s your lover?

VALZ DAY: We believe that song has been an earworm for many and the radios can’t stop haunting us about it. But oh well, iriz waririz!

The day is finally here. Stingy Men Association Uganda (SMAU) is charged, Uganda Boyfriend Association, Uganda Girlfriend Association are all out to prove a point on this day. And as the song goes, “Valentine’s is here, where is your boyfriend?” Let’s look at the different Ugandans on Valentine’s Day.

  1. The philosopher

There is always that one single guy or babe who will come up with a million reasons why this day is irrelevant. He will argue that if you love someone, there is no need proving it once a year. That everyday should be Valentine’s Day. This dude will spend the day in his boxer shorts at home, typing away on his Facebook timeline. Thanks to VPN, he will appear to be miles away in Amsterdam.

  1. Father Valentine

Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest. You will have this one guy trying to be Mr Valentine to tens of people. He will schedule his first date in the morning, then fake a work emergency, only to rush off to another person in the afternoon. Meanwhile, he will convince the third victim that he has had such a busy day, but he still made time for her. For this guy, he will try as much as possible to avoid photos.

  1. The SMAU member

At this moment, this one is rehearsing all kinds of one liners to explain his inability to show up for Valentine’s Day. On this day, he may lose a relative, the boss will call him to attend to a work emergency, or he will just fall sick. He will go to the extremes of even switching off his phone and resurrect two days later. The one thing you can be sure of is that no weapon formed against his wallet will prosper.

  1. Miss Valentine

She’s going to show up and show up in a big way. The boyfriend is already nervous about this day because she expects nothing less of ‘slay quality’. She’s already booked a room in one of the hotels and it’s been decorated with hearts of petals. The wine has already been arranged, and her Instagram post for the day is already scheduled. She won’t forget to caption #outwithbae and also remind haters to get a life.

  1. The local couple

Love is inclusive, and it can never leave the local couple on the sidelines. They are about to show up in the brightest of colours on this day. Most likely, it will be those African prints; father, mother and children all getting a share of the same material. Or perhaps those shirts with imprinted statements of ‘She Loves Him’ and ‘I am Him’. The best thing about the local couple is their unabated display of affection.

“She’s already booked a room in one of the hotels…decorated with hearts of petals… and her Instagram post for the day is already scheduled. She won’t forget to caption #outwithbae and also remind haters to get a life.”

  1. The playgirl

She’s already confused about the day because tens of dudes are all in her inbox. She is currently weighing the options and scoring them in order to select the best bidder. Some of the options will be left on seen because they have not presented competitive offers. Other options will be kept on standby just in case the best bidder fails to show up. It is also likely that she will award the tender to at least two dudes, with each taking a share of the day. She will also play the role of flower girl on this day as assortments keep arriving from different sources. Luckily, she has been there and done it before. She always knows how to play herself out of the puzzle that is Valentine.

  1. The main bae

Finally, her time has come to warn other girls off her man. She is going to make him do all sorts of things just to prove to all else that she’s in control. He can expect to feature on her status updates. She’s also already asked for his social media passwords. On this day, she’s going to be replying on his behalf. When you see him replying; “I am out with my girlfriend”, be certain it’s not him replying. He’s currently under bae custody.

  1. The school of heartbreaks

On this day, many hearts will be broken into pieces. There is that gang of the heartbroken. They will be sharing all sorts of inspirational quotes and motivational videos. They will be tagging their posts with #Nevertakeadayoffinlife #HustleEveryday #MoneybeatsLove yet deep down, they will be sobbing wishing that one of those people they rejected could show up. This is not a day to respond to the random greetings from such. They are about to use you as their recovery plans.

  1. The tag along friend

Okay, sometimes as a friend you must know when and when not to tag along. There’s always that female friend that tags along when her friend is out with her man. And there is that male friend that tags along when his friend is out with his girl. These ‘Tag Along Friends’ always keep acting like they are not moved by the affection, aka #MitimaGyakaluba, but we are certain this Valentine’s Day will teach them the true meaning of struggle.

  1. The drunkard

He will not be sober on this day. He will not be aware it is even Valentine’s Day. He/she will simply wake up in the evening, murmur a few words, take another shot, shout out loud to their gang of friends then curse at Valentine’s Day. He will be as clever as the philosopher though humorous while at it.

Twitter: ortegatalks

Don’t want to miss out on any story? For updates on all Sqoop stories, follow this link on Telegram: https://t.me/Sqoop

Leave a comment

More in Columnists