Tubonga Naawe, Golden Hand and Tears of a Woman. I read that those are the only three musical shows that President Museveni has attended. The latest being Tears of a Woman by Catherine Kusaasira. When the President of this our country shows up at your concert, even dances towards you and tips you, then you, my friend have arrived at the gates of earthly heaven. After arriving at this profound truth, I feel it is my national duty to help you, if you plan on organising a concert, know what to do to get the president to your show.
Choose the concert name wisely
Use statements that express extreme love, pain or admiration. You don’t have to say to whom these statements are directed. The guest of honour will know. You could try names such as Mzee’s midas touch, Nkwatako Mzee, Tujakufa nawe Mzee, My father the President, We are lost without you, Loving your yellow romance, etc. Make it short but creative. Don’t forget that the goal here is to express love and support for your person of interest.
Concert theme colour
This one is obvious. From this day forth, the President’s ‘favourite’ is now yours too. So plan for yellow lights, yellow costumes, don’t forget to make the costume as flamboyant and hideous as possible just to make sure that if the President shows up, he sees you in all your ingloriousness. Okay you can make a changing shirt in another colour just to be ko subtle but by all means go all out on the money colour.
Show a high sense of patriotism
If you are lucky enough to get the President to your concert, show him that you are truly Ugandan at heart. For example, when the anthem is playing, do not breathe. Hold your breath, pop your eyes and wait patiently for the President or at least the camera man to notice you. If in doubt of how to perform this magic trick, please see Bebe Cool for guidance. He pulled it off so well at Kusasira’s concert. He might even have a tutorial or two on how to do these things.
Get down on your knees
This is a tried and tested trick. It will get you anything, okay not anything but many things. So before the concert, practice how to kneel in sky high Dubai heels. It is easy if you book a weekly appointment with a gym instructor. You might need to have a group kneeling rehearsal with all the people you think might come up on stage to kneel with you. Tell them to carry their shoes too. While at it, do not forget the facial expression. The expression to win the President’s heart is the one where you are between smiling and crying. The one that says, ‘’Mzee better have my money”.
Talking like NTV’s Arnold Segawa will get you nowhere in this plan. Soften thy voice dear child. Add stereo. Practice on the taxi conductor by saying, ‘Mumasssawooo sssebbo” as many times as possible. Then sing the anthem in stereo too. Record some political gibberish on your social media in the same tone. Keep doing it until you get noticed.