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Four One One

How to be the Ugandan Olympics Team


Nation’s hope. Following his 14th-place finish at the Rio at the weekend, medal hopeful Stephen Kiprotich joked about coming back ‘when Ugandans have forgotten’ about the fiasco that was the Olympics campaign. Well, Ugandans should not only forget about Team Uganda, but be like them after following Ian Ford Nkera’s simple tips.

The Olympics in Rio were yet again a disaster for Team Uganda. Not only disastrous but forgettable. No medals, no eye-catching performances and no show of character and grit from our athletes. The poor shows have proven cyclical. It’s more like having the same bad dream over and over again. We only excel at showing up for every Olympics with high expectations, only for our team to leave the same way they came, empty-handed. Even our biggest medal hopeful, Stephen Kiprotich finished a distant 14th in the 42 km marathon to shutter the hearts of millions of Ugandans.
His reason for trailing? Mbu the rainy conditions made it difficult for him. Shaa, as if it has never rained in Uganda. We almost thought the guy was kidnapped during the race, he was nowhere to be found. The story of Ugandan athletes is rather a sad one. We have many young talented athletes with big dreams of making their country proud but find themselves under facilitated and somehow expected to perform miracles. Impossible! To be like our Olympics Ugandan team, here is your guide:

Strong Believer
The Ugandan Olympics team has a lot of belief. If you are faint hearted, this team is not for you. They believed that the President would come to their rescue and give them transport. And yes, he did. All this time the authorities were just spectating. They believed that even after the sports authorities abandoned them, they would do the country proud. That they would beat some of the best runners who have enjoyed training in the best sports facilities while they hoped on promises.
It takes belief. To be like the Ugandan Olympics team, be the guy that eats dust for decades on the promise of a pay rise. Be the guy hoping to crawl out of the friend zone because of how good you are. Take it one day at a time. She will eventually see you for the great guy that you are. LOL!!! Believe that the situation will change. Have the belief that makes you think a car could move without fuel.

Employ Ghost Tactics
Ugandan runners always look medal-worthy when the race has just began. They glide past all these Ethiopian and Kenyan runners in the long distance races and give you all sorts of hope to believe a Gold medal is in the bag. They make those majestic strides up and down those valleys, you can’t help but be proud. When the race gets heated, they start to fade before you eventually lose them.
These are ghost tactics my friend. You are supposed to keep a low profile in the race before bursting out of nowhere to beat your rivals. It’s unfortunate that Kiprotich tried it but disappeared for good.
He was nowhere to be found at the finish line. An intense search in Rio has been mounted to find the Ugandan hero. To be like our athletes, learn to go ghost on some people.
If people at your home in Mawokota mock you for being a failure, go silent before surprising them with fancy toys over Christmas. Make sure someone chauffeurs you in a UAD Ipsum as you head back to the village. Now that’s how you silence your critics.

Tour the world
Medals! Medals! Medals! What’s the fuss honestly? C’mon your dad didn’t wear a medal and neither did your grandparents. And even your entire country gets to win a medal every two decades so what’s the rush for.
All expenses “paid” trips shouldn’t have you leaving your lungs on a track. The Ugandan Olympics Team went for an exclusive tour around South America. The swimmers discovered that the Bwaise floods that they were used to came nothing close to the Olympic-size swimming pools.
The marathon runners were on a mini holiday. Jackson Kiprop didn’t finish his race.
He was last seen at a beach in Rio De Janeiro enjoying the scenery. To be like the Ugandan Olympics Team, max the summer holiday. Simply show up for the perfect Rio experience.
Laugh at everyone tripping themselves over a damn medal. Sip on some cocktails, take selfies, and enjoy the company of the finest Brazilian belles. Now don’t ask why Jacob Araptany slipped and fell during the 3000m steeplechase. Dude was high as hell. Wama blast away. You only live once.
Well, there you have it. You can be like our Ugandan Olympics team. Nice weekend

Disclaimer: This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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