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Kalumba

1.Uganda is such a weird place. You ask someone where they live and they go: “Just get into a taxi heading to Kisaasi, now when they reach the last stop ask the conductor to direct you at, omusajja we enfuudu … and you would have reached!” Ehh… omusajja of what?

2. You are walking on the streets and you ask a ka babe where Virgin Island is situated and they go, “You know I have heard of that place a lot! Kale me and my friends are dying to go there!” Goodness, I want directions not an inderect way of asking me to go with you. I already have a ka babe waiting for me at the place!

3. You ask your parent how to write an application letter for a job and they go: “Kale I pity your generation! You all want things fast yet you cannot achieve everything you want fast because being fast…” Yawn!

4. You ask a chick in Guvnor whether she can dance with you and she goes: “Are you married because for me, married men twakoowa!” Jesus, I’m not asking for your hand in marriage I just want to dance Valu Valu … goodness me where do these girls come from?

5. You ask your workmate where the boss has gone and they go: “Ah oba where is he? Anti he has been in the office the whole day! Kale you must have missed him by minutes” Is it me or don’t you feel like slapping such a person?

6. You ask your MP why he took the Shs103m to buy a car despite him masquerading as a fighter of corruption and he goes: “You see I rather take this money to my constituents than leave it here for the thieves to feast on!” Agayaye!

7. You ask a boda chap to take you to the Lawns in Kololo and he goes: “Ssebo that will be Shs5,000. Mpozi where is de lawns and where can we pass sir?” Bloody hell, why charge me 5k when you don’t even know where we are going? Honestly!

8. You ask your ka side babe what time she will make it Cayenne and she sends you a text going: “@ 5pm! Me cum wit friendz, iz that ok wit u darllin” What the hell is “iz”? What is the difference between using “is” and “iz”? Yes I’m talking to you hostel babe who’s been studying simanya tourism for the last five years?

9. You tune to Bukedde and you find Bebe Cool going: “Fe we are professional! We are Ugandan ambassadors abroad with our music.” Mbu ambassadors! Why are our musicians such deluded fellows? Bebe Cool being an ambassador? Isn’t that like asking Betty Nambooze whether she has ever heard of someone called Kanye West?

10. You reach December 31, and every pastor goes like: “This is the year of harvest for all Ugandans!” Seriously isn’t that the same message Pastor Benny Hinn, Kayanja, Manjeri, Kiwedde, Apostle Mitala etc have been saying for the last two decades? And how comes Red Banton is yet to “harvest!” And what do they mean by “harvest?” Harvest high sugar prices oba harvest more campus babes eating our money and running off without giving us some!

 

 

 

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