FACEBOOKERS. There is social media, then there is Facebook, a place where you will find people of all kinds: the elite, the wannabes, the kamolians, the groups and the clowns.
If you can survive on Facebook, you can survive anywhere in the world. Because Facebook is a slum that gathers the rich and poor, the illiterate and literate. It is that coexistence of two socially contradicting experiences — the progressive and retrogressive. I now suspect this could turn out to be the book of life on judgement day. That said, did you know the classes of Ugandans on Facebook?
The first movers aka decadenians
These were the Ugandans who joined Facebook in its early days. You could call them the landlords. In those days, someone liking your post signalled a romantic interest. Relationships formed, some resulted in marriages and children. These first movers have become older, they have seen different social media celebrities. They have seen regime changes. Now they just look on with a smirk of conservatism and cynicism. They secretly despise the current Facebook big wigs.
The Mama Tendo Group deserves its own mention in this regard. It is Facebook within Facebook. Some people on Facebook pride themselves in being admins and popular members of Facebook groups. From Mama Tendo to the Kampala Food Network to the Natural Hair fanatics to the Fresh Peaches. Man has never evolved from group settings. We count it all joy for the many inactive Facebook profiles that are super active within Facebook groups.
In here you will find the Peng Pengs, the Rita Kaggwas, the Ashburg Kattos and the Ray Supastas. You will also find the Kakensas. They are the equivalent of the Twitter influencers. You could call them the Tamale Mirundi equivalents on social media.
Imagine Tamale Mirundi with a smart phone, then you are closer to visualising this group. They have become mini media houses and will often have live broadcasts where they invite other fellows to feature. One day when all is said and done, they too shall expire and real life will happen.
It is an ever-growing sect. They are the kings and queens of essays. Some are lawyers, some are journalists while others are aspiring thought leaders. They often wait for everyone to comment on an issue then respond with the last word on the topic. They have built cults of sorts to the extent that people rarely disagree with them. Yet for most, it is all English, words and words devoid of substance. When you find a group of people participating in a ‘10 books I have read’ challenge then tread carefully. You could be in the presence of intellectual Facebook. They post photos of books they claim to be reading until you ask them to state the central theme in those books.
As the world grows, intellectual Facebook has also been attacked by the anti-free speech movement, the type of people who cherry-pick words in posts and outrage worthy moments. You know the type that asks why all characters in one’s posts are white or male? You get the hint.
You can tell a socialite by one thing; they are visual in their communication. Their timeline is littered with photos that have been touched up by all grades of filters and a simple caption to it. They do not try to play intelligent, they simply compensate with awesome fashion, awesome photo angles and a hashtag to the photo post. In their comments are men falling over in the thirst traps. Be certain their inboxes are not any different. Wherever you find a thirst trap, then you are in the palace of a socialite, a budding Facebook slay queen. May I also announce that of late, socialites are trying to evolve into motivational writers to kill the stereotype around beauty and brains. But winter is coming for them…
They do not create any posts. They simply distribute content worth commenting about. And you will find them as top fans wherever there is a scandal. They have one job — to comment with the lines; “babe come here, twakoledde wanno leero.” If you want to know what is trending in the moment, they have it on their finger tips. They have worked on the Geosteady scandal, they welcomed the Bombadiers, they have Bad Black’s fresh snaps, they are also updated about Hajj Bujingo. You could call them analysts in the making. They breathe life into Facebook.
These pride themselves in saying things that we have already said in our minds but have no courage to put them in writing. You will find the Wild Bwakus, you will find the Kojos, you will find the James Onens, you will find the KS Brians. It is real life truths repackaged in lines of words or photos. They are the George Carlins of the country, using humour to convey deep truths.
Unfortunately most are too calm in real life. They do not bite as hard as they sting. We suspect many could be virgins.
They are living the life most of their peers dream of. They have met every person that ‘matters’ around town, aka the musicians and their vixens. They often post photos of the most expensive whisky on their tables. But be you not fooled, they are the posers. They are the ‘massape’ boys. Everything that you see is a well created illusion. In real life, they are sliding into DMs to ask for loans.
The ghosts, aka creeps
May lightning and thunder strike these ones. Nothing is as annoying as someone reminding you of a post you made months ago. The creeps will not comment, they will not like, they will not even share. They will wait to meet you in real life and comment physically about that past post. Nkt!
Miscellaneous Facebook aka ineffables
How do you classify people who only post Facebook stories? How do you classify fake accounts and their owners? How do you describe the Ugandan celebrities on Facebook? All these are ineffable. We know they exist but we lack the words to define them.