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How to be…a cool villager this xmas season


Enjoying villa. Some of you might be afraid of hugging your relatives and jajjas, but if you happen to spend Xmas in the village, enjoy the moment. Ian Ford Nkera guides on how to be that cool yet humble village guest.

It is that time again and as expected, many of us will be heading down to our villages for the festive holidays. There are many things that get people excited about spending Christmas in villa. One is the roadside meat on those long trips, the reunion with long-lost relatives and the inexplicable feeling of getting in touch with their roots.
For many of us, villa is that place where we let loose and totally be ourselves. We take off our shirts and join the herdsmen or mix with the locals at their malwa joints. We touchdown at the local pitch for a soccer game or perhaps run off with some village belle who is head over heels in love with you. It is in villa that you get to sink your teeth into all strange kinds of meat, mangoes, fene, tree branches and any other things you can think of.
Everything in the village is so fresh that if you are not careful, your appetite can embarrass you. Unfortunatley for some people, villa life never really clicks for them. They refuse to hug their grannies for fear of a bad breath alert. They complain about the place, the people, the weather, the mosquitoes and pretty much everything. If you want to be a good villager this Christmas, here is your guide:

Let loose
You are only in the village once a year so this is your time to max. Thank God that you left a boring job and awful boss back in Kampala and enjoy the only time you get to be free. Drop the attitude and take a swim in a swamp if you must. No holding back whatsoever. Villa is the only place you can walk in shorts and you won’t hear people judging you for your badly-shaped legs. Put on shorts and walk to the trading centre with confidence. Speak in your local language and you will not worry about people calling you local.
Having fun in the village is entirely on you and being free with anyone is just one away to ensure that you have a good time. If you are from a village where nudity is embraced, I beg you to keep your clothes on please. That goes out to people from Karamoja.

Manage your eating habits
Most of the food in our villas is rich in all kinds of nutrients, so do not be afraid to try out new stuff. For the city brats, food got from the garden is not dirty so do not get scared. Try out the local cuisines from your areas without any apologies. In villa, you will be forgiven for sipping soup from a bowel but just don’t overdo it. Learn to use your hands when you are served a delicious meal but also understand that flies and other insects will want a taste.
It is your duty to fend off competition so don’t complain about it. When you are invited for local functions, do not try to outcompete the locals in filling plates of food. Trust me, you won’t handle. These guys are trained to clear whatever amount of food so don’t see this as a challenge. Eat only what you can manage.

Manage your time
Time is key when you are in villa because there is little time to do everything you want. Never spend a lot of time in the presence of the old folks unless of course, you want to explain why you are 35 and still unmarried. Those old folks ask way too many questions. Do not spend a lot of time alone because you will exhaust your phone battery and villa without a phone can be hell on earth. Spend your time mixing with the locals, your family members or discovering new things. You can discover that the land you almost exploded with a fart is yours and you did not even know. Be on the lookout all the time.

Be the Sudhir of your area
Everyone has to account for the year they have spent in Kampala working. Villagers are sure that you have been working your butt off so you cannot afford to come empty-handed. If you want to face the wrath of irate locals, come with nothing.
If you are going to be the darling back home, shower your people with gifts and money. Roll up in a new car that could be borrowed and they will worship and exhault you. You are the true son of their soil and they will be so proud of you. You will be treated like a king back home and that should feel nice after being treated like trash by your boss for close to a year.
Enjoy your holidays.
This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.

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