QUEEN BEE: Judith Heard is famous for being famous. You want to be like her? Ian Ford Nkera is happy to be your guide.
The Institute of Socialites has churned out graduates every year but none has been more consistent and more visible than Ms Judith Heard. She earned herself a First Class degree in Famous For Nothing Sciences with a bias in Acute Money Splashing Habits.
She has, however, failed her Cat Fight Management post graduate diploma studies with retakes in Zariology and more recently the tricky Luswatology paper. Her credentials have earned her a lifetime job on the Kampala party scene with gossip pages awash with Judith Heard news every single day. Judith Heard still carries around the former model tag and recently strutted the catwalk at the Kigali Fashion Week to reclaim her model title, yet the only catwalk she is known for is not the one she could have done on the runway but the one she did as she strolled into a white pensioner’s retirement savings. If you choose a “fabolous” life with Judith Heard as your inspiration, here is your guide.
You will struggle to remember why we even know Judith Heard in the first place but when you think deeper you might remember a time a young lady burst onto the social scene driving expensive cars. It’s not very often that you have a young African girl drive around a Bentley, so that was bound to raise eyebrows. If it wasn’t a Bentley today, it was a Mercedes Benz ML the next day. At the time we were all in awe at how such a young lady would work her way into such luxury. You can be that person who will magically have all the luxury at their disposal but not have a clear job description. Do everything from borrowing or dating an expatriate to bankroll a superficial lifestyle.
If you are a grown woman with a chest of a teenage boy, I advise you to take heart and learn to love yourself. If Judith Heard could love herself then so can you. She loved herself so much that she decided to share with us a copy of her nudity. Like she literally took off her vest, started a photo shoot and before we knew it, her nudity was everywhere. Be the kind of woman to broadcast her privates for the whole world to see and while we may not easily differentiate you from your little brother Kevin, we shall still try to.
Judith Heard is a typical woman and that means nothing else that another woman does will thrill or amuse her.
Apparently if you wear more jewellery or you are remotely more attractive than her, Ms Heard will reach out for your weave or dig her claws into your face. How trivial! She has had a rocky relationship with another socialite in the breath of Zari Hassan for many years because well, Zari might have had more money or looked better or anything along those lines. She has also been in a catfight with gossip loudmouth Mary Luswata. You wonder what kind of women we raise in this country. If you notice a lady who might want to take your shine, go at her karate style.
Hold onto Mr Expatriate
What do you do when you are a humble girl from Rwanda with no concrete formal education and you want to thrust yourself into a life of fabulosity? Pose as this highflying model and you will have one of those divorced white pensioners kissing the ground you walk on. So if you are the kind who is willing to start from the bottom and somehow rise from being a bank teller to branch manager, you are not exactly following Ms Heard’s way of doing things. Life is too short to be waiting for the good things to come to you, so it might be wise to hold onto the retirement benefits of the aging Mr Expatriate and somehow get sucked into his life of glitz and glamour. Judith Heard did it and so can you.
So who said when you are married, you can’t still be found attractive and desirable? Judith Heard has got to be the one married woman who freely mingles with the roving bachelors on the scene. A certain gospel artiste, a renown Rn’b artiste and premier league footballers who come here for qualifier games, have been so friendly to the socialite that you wonder if she was ever married. I guess you can be the one lady who is happily married but keeps several male friends *wink*.
There you have it. Go ahead be like the Queen Bee herself, Ms Judith Heard.
This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.