Lockdown! We made it to the end of the 42 days. Yes, we were counting down
Getting through: This was by far the longest block lockdown since Covid-19 hit us last year. Good for many, we had been here before so terms like ‘essential worker’ did not cut deep. KS Brian gave us some comic relief as he counted the days down
Money was already scarce, now this. I think Sevo heard that I was gaining weight and is enforcing a poverty-fuelled weight loss programme.
You start realising why your man needs a side chick.
You finish your assigned chores. Then when your woman is bored, you watch her do them again. You want to fight.
Finally, she’s comfortable around you without pulling in her tummy. You’re shocked.
You just had sex. You tell her, “I think I’m in love with you.” She says, “Eh, don’t you think you’re rushing things?” You want to cry.
You had your first fight. She has suddenly changed from the sweet English speaking Belle and is in the other room shouting in a deep voice, “Nze Nabweteme ow’embogo tebammanyiira!” You’re scared.
You land on his well-kept list of girls he has slept with. You’re number 97. Your name is even misspelt. Instead of ‘Michelle’, he wrote ‘Mishell’.
She wakes you up at 3:23am to ask if you really love her. You don’t but decide to choose peace.
After 48 minutes of trying, you have finally helped her zip her dress to the top. It was hectic. You need water and rest. You look at her. She’s unrecognisable; like she ate your thinner girlfriend.
Like every girl in love, she’s obsessed with taking selfies with you. You had avoided them but today, she has you trapped. You’re on a couple selfie photoshoot forcing smiles.
She asks for your phone password to go out and take a few pics. She can’t believe you but because of all this lockdown stress, you don’t remember your password.
You went for a couple jog. She kept stopping every three minutes to catch her breath. That’s quite fishy for someone whose dancing endurance is over 10 minutes.
She has taken and posted selfies in all your favourite T-shirts. You can’t put them on anymore because you have hidden her existence for months.
For the 3rd time in 2 days, she has ruined a good conversation by angrily replying, “No. Maybe you told your other h*es” when I ask her if I have told her a story before. I only told one other ‘h*e’. I’m starting to wonder who feeds her wrong information.
Her nail broke. She has gone from crying to narrating stories about her 90s step mum. “Do you think she’s behind this?” She asks. “No,” you reply. “Whose side are you on?” she asks…
Month is done. Your landlord texted, “What’s up”. The answer is “Iron sheets” but you deep down know it won’t be IF you don’t clear him by Monday. He’ll remove them.
You start understanding the pain slaves went through carrying horns to the coast for three weeks. It’s two weeks and your horn is becoming heavier and unbearable.
Neighbour gifted us a ball gag. Another asked my girl to try screaming into the pillow because they’re tired and as one said, “We have children!” We shall try, but can’t promise anything.
Girlfriend texts, “I hope you’re keeping safe. Virus is real”. You are. You’re using condoms.
The number of men you’re promising to see “after lockdown” has tripled so much over the last week that you have finally decided to make a rota.
Your girl decides to twerk for you to break the boredom. But is she twerking or having a seizure. Do you need to get aroused or call an ambulance. You’re confused.
You have figured that her attitude is because of either horn or hunger. So after sex, you have learnt to ask,”….or was it hunger. “
Saying, “But I paid my cows for you!” doesn’t change her ‘NO’ into a yes, you learn. It just makes her furious. Tomorrow, you’ll try, “Life is a circle, today I want, tomorrow you want…”
You had a fight about chores and he yelled,”You think cooking is hard?!” So you let him cook today and he has used the fire extinguisher twice in an hour.
We have reached the boredom stage of discussing post-lockdown plot we shall never do.
You starved and ate something from the neighbourhood. Now you remember why you never wanted to eat there in the first place.
She got bored and did some general cleaning. She threw out that box of wires every man has. You’re devastated.
Your long distance relationship is struggling because you have used up your monthly quota of the phrase, “Have you eaten?”
Your lockdown girl had a pregnancy scare yesterday. It all started when she asked for a scratch in the back. You almost started a family from scratch.
Decided to watch 50 Shades with your Kamuli boyfriend to spice up your bedroom life. He still doesn’t know the difference between spanking and plain ol’ beating but he’ll get there.
You’ve taken so many of such pics during the lockdown but because of the h*e in you both, they’ll never appear anywhere in public.
Something’s not right with your woman lately. Every time you end a call with “I love you”, it’s followed by a silence before she says, “We shall talk about this after the lockdown…”
Your relationship is a bit boring. You’re looking at ways to make it giddy. Snatching her phone and running is one.
You two had some discussions about the past. She revealed some really uncomfortable information about herself.
The single man’s arm needs to be rescued from him. His data and lotion bills have reached an all-time high.
Turns out “Be honest, I won’t be mad” is a scam. You fell for the oldest trick in the book. Jackie’s butt is certainly bigger than hers but it’s too late. You’ve already been ordered to go and marry her.
Couple bonding on day 37. What used to be cuddles is now a phone scrolling session only interrupted by, “Genda olabe akonkona…”
After 38 days of her meals, you understand why she used to overly post, “I WILL NEVER COOK FOR ANY MAN! PERIODT!” It all makes sense now.
The clown circus that’s the government wants to Lockdown until enough people are immunised. Me who’s locked down waiting for the vaccine to reach my door.
Even your parents are tired. You have been picking calls and exiting the room for five years but still no man has claimed you. They have decided to give you “the talk”.
We are reaching the climax. You gotta soak it in because it is the only climax you have reached this month.
You have copleted the 42 days. Did you die?.
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