FLOOD LIGHTS: Forget about the game, rugby is more than a couple of men fighting for an oval ball. This is the manual to being the perfect rugger fan.
Apparently, Uganda Rugby Cranes mauled Tunisia 78-17 in the Africa Gold Cup or whatever it is called. Is it just me or many of you are also caught off-guard by these rugby games? For some reason, you just cannot keep up with rugby fixtures. Normally the deafening cheers from Kyadondo Rugby Club will have you jumping off a Kampala-bound taxi from perhaps Namugongo, abandoning prior plans to come for a rugger game you had no clue was even taking place.
You are the classified ‘fans’ of the famous “mpozi Uganda is playing who” phrase. You fall in by accident, look like an accident and go on to disrupt the peace of everyone. Some of you are just there for the ride, like enjoying sweaty steak, the cool beer and to swoon at the sightful ladies.
The many rugger fans that throng many of these games simply have no business there. The ladies are mostly there to live out their dreams of being low-budget socialites and fashionistas, packaged in large sun-glasses and economical dresses. Others are there to count the rugger players’ conjested abs, rather than tries registered. Wait, some cannot name a single rugby rule. To be like many a rugby fan, here are your favourite idler’s tips
The real rugby game is away from the rugby game…
This simply means that tries are to be scored at the bar counter or muchomo stand. The matters of Phillip Wokorach matter little if there is no alcohol to go by. The froth of the beer is what gets the game going.
A few people at these games watch the games from start to finish. They go away for a few seconds to grab a beer and get kidnapped by……you guessed right, BEER! It is a beer game. Drink as much as you can, the rest will sort itself. You will get the scores at half-time. To be like many of the rugby fans, your focus should be outside the pitch.
Do not be a social bore. Go grab steak or some female stranger’s arm. Yes, things are about being proactive. That is where the real tries are made. Do not focus entirely on the game; you are not a sports journalist. It is never that serious. Loosen up a little.
Be a fashionista
Ugandan men are forever under the illusion that they look good in Polo t-shirts and shorts. Guys, your girlfriends need to start being open with you and tell you that some fashion trends do not suit you. Some of you have reminded us of why we need to keep our legs hidden far away. We love the confidence but some legs are just not a good advert for body anatomy. Keep them for your lovely wives to admire at home and home only. If your belly triggers thoughts of a hidden helmet, refrain from tight fitting things.
To be like the many rugby fans, dress appropriately. Know your body types please. Shorts are not for everyone. For the ladies, continue what you have been doing. Keep it sexy but not trashy. Keep the make-up low key. We do not want to vibe our exes because that would be hella awkward. Wear some of those hot-crop tops you like. We shall ignore how recycled they are. And the chaps who come to rugby games looking anyhow because mbu they are “ down-to-earth” should style up. Oil up or else you stretch your singlehood streak by another year. Kyanas will shun you and your ashy knees.
You can be as clueless as ever about anything the rugby game has to offer and no one will hold you accountable. Just be present that is all. Scream when everyone screams. When some random guy taps your shoulder to see if you checked out Kimono’s side-step, nod your head in approval. Play along, make crazy hand gestures and look passionate about the game, even if you do not know what is going on. When they ask you who substituted Brian Odongo, pretend to pick a call. Just look like an intellectual fool. In short, just have fun
There you have it, go be like our rugby fans