Queen Socialite: It has not been an easy two weeks for the queen bee of socialites in Kampala but as we know Judith Heard, she is not one to break down with social media trolls. Heard who has been in Paris and New York on modelling gigs was walking the ‘nudes path’ for the second time and as always, she had some ‘special’ things to serve. How it all happened, here is a leaf you can pluck… at your own risk.
Another nude, another day! No biggie in Uganda. Nudes are now the official currency of all social media transactions, considering how fast they change hands. They will defy the worst network to force their way into your phone galleries. Chances are that even your favourite Uncle who volunteers at church has a full gigabyte of random nudes shelved in his phone. Supply tips demand anyday.
Unsurprisingly, the service providers have multiplied over the years and watchmen like Lokodo are overwhelmed by leaks. He, too must be somewhere locked up in a monastery awaiting some new releases…to catch the bad guys of course. It is a wave sweeping everyone if you did not realise. Socialites and musicians who started the trend have passed on the mantle to the lesser mortals such as Gloria, a barmaid somewhere in Nateete who feels the need to share her low-budget nudes with her taxi tout boyfriend Musa.
It is a cycle of stupidity that has continued and certainly will not stop anytime soon.
Like any commodity, nudes are varied in quality. While some have reminded pervs of high-level nudists such as Kim Kardashian, others have rang memories of the likes of Fatuma, an underpaid housegirl somewhere in Namasuba.
When Judith Heard gave us Season Two of Clothes Don’t Matter, some hoped for the former, only for her to kill the mood of countless perverts with an underwhelming showing, we hear. The Nalongo gets an ‘E’ in effort.
In a dynamic industry of nudes, you have got to bring your A-game all through but we shall cut her some slack this time round.
We also know that there is a crop of young girls with a burning desire to launch their nudist careers so worry not, your favourite idler has some tips for you.
Be a model/ex-model
This is the catch. Judith Heard has been called an “ex- fashion model” for as long as I can remember yet not many know of the runways or covers she has graced. Mbu she had a stint with Sylvia Owor’s Zipper Models back in the day. For any aspiring nudist, you will need this ‘model’ term hanging by your name for cred. You do not want people thinking you are just some long-legged unemployed creature lazying around.
For as long as you have ever had a few pictures taken of you which garnered hundreds of likes anywhere on social media, you are good to go. Look as sophisticated as possible in pictures while soaked in make-up and then you will become a model instantly.
This ‘model’ term makes any nude leak story in tabloids worth reading. We need to know you did some incredible things in life like posing for pictures, not that white collared IT or engineering stuff.
It is a way of life whereby people need to know that you are also around. If you are the type that only gets noticed at parties when they are announcing who blocked what car in the parking lot, you need a refresher course. People need to know you are around and not exactly the reason they should know you are around. You should be a pawn that looks beautiful and rich.
Judith Heard is the original socialite, first chill the Chinese duplicates of Don Zella. She drove a Bentley, splashed foreign aid (money from her doctor hubby) and rocked every hangout spot looking like a discount Kim Kardashian.
To be like Judith Heard, you need to live large or pretend to do so. If you cannot make your own dimes, find yourself a dying expatriate to rescue you. If you look myeh, do not worry.
These guys do not mind much about looks, so you are safe. They will bankroll your lifestyle and you will quickly become Kampala’s hottest socialite. A fast rise is possible with scandals. Make sure you are linked to a dozen men around town. Yes, it is no easy road.
There you have it. Go be like Nalongo Judith Heard.