Going by the increasing number of anti-ageing procedures and all the conversations around ‘eternal youth’, it is clear no one really wants to age. Seriously, who wants to walk around with a wrinkled face, unsightly love handles, or sagging boobs and an equally saggy bottom riddled with cellulite when modern science is here to help you defy gravity? Anna* my colleague, of course, not her real name, tells me her boobs are still as they were even after breastfeeding two kids.
I tell her I would need to see to believe, haha! At this juncture, we are leaving an assignment with a male driver and a male photographer so Anna says she would show this doubting Thomas her boobs later. “My mum’s boobs also defied gravity and she still spots a perky pair even after breastfeeding us,” Anna chips in.
Well, I tell her she’s in the ‘lucky few’ bracket. The incident though reminds me of another girlfriend who had to expose her mammary glands to a bunch of her female friends to prove that indeed breastfeeding had nothing on her boobs. Lol! But I think the most interesting part of that conversation as we drive back to the office is when Anna narrates to me how a certain city obs/gynae is helping women ‘preserve’ their vaginas after childbirth. Depending on many factors, childbirth can leave the vagina tramautised, literally, and since this is not a biology class, it will suffice to say that tearing can sometimes occur or the vagina can be left in bad shape.
Anna’s point is that the doctor would reconstruct the vajajay and make it as good as new. But isn’t that vaginal rejuvenation, I ask? So, does he charge you extra for the rejuvenation? Apparently, he just seemed to be a doc on a mission to help young mummies… Wah! I’m not sure I’d be interested in reconstructing my Miss ‘V’ but maybe I’d do a boob job. Haha! Aki being a woman is a full-time job! Anna shares on how she went for a G-shot – yes, that procedure that involves a jab on the G-spot to increase sexual pleasure. Though you have to do it every four months. By the way, a cosmetic dermatosurgeon I spoke to said it’s really helpful for women that have undergone FGM. Oh and these procedures do not come cheap.
Let me stay with the good old kegel muscle exercises and lots of pineapples *wink wink* si they say they make the yoni taste good? Okay, that’s for those who love tongue action, I guess. Did I just make a confession? Forget it! But seriously, I’ve never understood why we keep stuffing stuff up there. I’m sure if she could talk, she would be very angry. From steaming her to inserting yoghurt and garlic in her… and now we want her to look and smell a particular way.
Ask Jada Pinkett Smith… the American actress would know a thing or two after undergoing three vaginal rejuvenation treatments, which left her Miss ‘V’ ‘feeling’ like a 16-year-old (as she said)! “It looks like a little beautiful peach,” confessed Jada on an episode of her Facebook Watch series, ‘Red Table Talk’. But anyways, Jada claims the procedure was to resolve bladder issues. Clearly it did much more!
But the bottom line is that whether you have the money for a brand-new Miss ‘V’ or not, learn to pamper and protect her. I consulted a few doctors and gynaes for you, so grab your pen and notebook and let’s take some notes…
- Don’t stuff up your yoni. Clean her with warm water… squat and give her a final rinse, preferably with cold water.
- A vagina is supposed to smell like a vagina… not like a rose flower or fruit and definitely no off smells. Any itchiness, offensive odour or any abnormal discharge, be nice to her and visit your gyna.
- The vagina is self-cleansing. Quit with the douching and soap as these alter the normal pH level of your Miss ‘V’ and could lead to vaginal dryness, candida or bacterial vaginosis – BV (you don’t want to get BV cause it would leave your yoni smelling yucky!)
- Keep her happy and when you want her to play make sure she is protected from STIs. (If you know, you know!)
- Oh, and the doctors said all that steaming affair is a fallacy. It can even burn the lining of the vagina so you might want to re-think all that steaming hype.
- Don’t forget to do your kegels.
Oh, and vagina rejuvenation works… if you want your yoni looking like ‘some beautiful little peach’. Would you consider that?