In the name of votes: They say man is a political animal, that even when one swears off politics, what happens in the higher offices affects him in one way or another. But what are the different shades of politicians?
On the sixth day, God created man. However, a week later, God created Ugandan Politicians. Ugandan Politicians are cut from a special cloth. They come in all forms, and it’s important that one gets to identify all these forms. You need to be able to detect a Ugandan Politician when you see one. Life and death could depend on this ability.
The ones who show up at burials
Ugandan politicians will show up at the burial of anyone as long as you promise them a chance to speak. It is a class of politicians that have carved a name as guests of honours at funerals. As long as someone is dead or someone’s last funeral rites, they sure as hell are gonna show up.
They show up late, yet still, demand for a chance to speak. They look at funerals as the only chance to organise a rally at no cost possible. It could be the funeral of your dog, but as long as you assure them about a large number of mourners and a shot at the microphone, they will attend without fail.
The bombastic English types
In public relations, the worst of crimes is to have nothing said about you. When some Ugandan politicians heard this, they decided to make the dictionary their best friend. These are the types of politicians that will drop those long complex English words. But if you want to see them stammer; ask them about their achievements while in office.
All of a sudden, the English will return to default settings as they struggle to point out a single achievement. Most of these have gone through law school and thus use words with Latin roots to bedazzle their voters. But as the Ghetto President sang; “too much talk, but zero work.”
If you can’t speak on the floor of Parliament, then, by all means, make people laugh. We have politicians that would win awards as best comedians had it not been for politics. Although they deliver nothing for their voters, they know how to put a smile on their faces.
Such politicians will never miss out on the Friday Zungulu segments. They will show up with a mattress at Parliament, some will line up their wives and children just to prove they are men. Although they stir up all kinds of trouble, they will be the first ones to rush off when police strike back.
Okay, all Ugandan politicians can turn opportunists, but you have those that wait to jump on trending issues. The moment they know something is trending, they will appear to be the ones pushing it.
If there’s a new power broker in town, they will be the ones by his side. They will never be left behind. If it means defending Fresh Kid and his rights to sing, they will organise a press conference to announce this move. If it’s about Uganda Cranes players fighting for their allowances, they will be the ones making the most noise.
Such politicians never go out of the news, at least if they can’t be in the news, they will make the news. They love to identify with muntu wawansi. You will see them buying a rolex, sitting down to eat in those kikumi kikumi restaurants. It’s all for the news.
The silent majority
They show up when it’s time for elections then go silent until the next election. They swore vows of silence. You will never get their comment on anything. You will never hear them speak on the floor of parliament. They don’t even show up on television stations. They focus on what the important thing, their salary. The other time they show up is when it’s required for them to cast a vote. Otherwise, expect no word from them. They are the silent burners aka the silent majority.
At times one may think these ones made a deal with the teargas manufacturer. All they do is think of a reason to protest or walk to work and then trouble starts. The moment you see these kinds of politicians in your area, be certain, teargas is about to follow.
They won’t stop until they are bundled onto a police truck. They are always in and out of jail. Some spend more time in court and police than in their own homes. But they are very convicted. They believe they are not fighting against police but for police. And one day, if everything works out, they believe they will be the Presidents of this country.
The ones who buy ambulances
Whoever sold Ugandan politicians the idea of ambulances must have solved their lives. If you can’t deliver on most of your promises, simply buy your constituency an ambulance then take a rest. That’s what most Ugandan politicians have done.
They will buy an ambulance, paint it with the words; “donated by Hon. Ortega, MP Yoruba 2016-2021.” The ambulance is free for all to use as long as one fuels it.
The President’s barking dogs
Some Ugandan politicians have taken it upon themselves to be the President’s barking dogs. They are the only ones who proudly show up in yellow colours and support every position of the fountain of honour. The President is ever right, so they believe. They keep moving from one radio station to another, as though they are on another operation wealth creation tour. As long as the President whispers, they will bark.
The ones who keep their promises
Okay, this is clearly a joke. You will hardly find a single Ugandan politicians who keeps their promises. The first rule of Uganda politics is; “never fulfil your promises.” The Second rule is about not forgetting the first.