FOOTBALL 101. There is something about football that just turns men and all fans into something else. So think of all the people in your life and the football clubs they support and then look at their lives and compare…then see how this will all make sense to you.
A wise man once posited and wondered: “Where do 22 men find the happiness to chase a round object for 90 minutes under the watchful eye of thousands?” Researchers have tried to answer this question without any luck. Whatever men see in football is something we may never understand. But you sure as hell, can tell a lot about a man going by the club he supports.
Probably the most supported club in the country or perhaps, the one that has the most talkative supporters. The perfect avatar of an Arsenal supporter is Tamale Mirundi. Better still, try to imagine the male version of Full Figure and then you have an Arsenal supporter. Men who support Arsenal are usually full of talk, and less action. They are quick to serve threats and warnings.
If you meet an Arsenal man, they will promise you heaven on earth, but will give you nothing but misery. Often times, they tend to move from one polar state to another. At times, they are all full of happiness, then suddenly they will slide into a depression. You cannot predict the emotions of these people. However, they are not the kind of people you want to see succeed. Success to them means shouting on top of their voices. Whenever Arsenal wins, Spacio, Raum, Boda Boda riders and Taxi drivers end up declaring public holidays. Keep your distance from Arsenal men, life for them, never amounts to much.
Manchester United, aka Man-U
Manchester United men have achieved some great things in the past. They will always remind you of their golden days, the days when they brought trebles, the days when they made impressive comebacks. But it is also important to realise that these men have nothing going on for them in the moment. To put it better, they are average in all they do. They are simply getting by. You could call them ‘survivors.’
At work, they are the kind that do the bare minimum to keep around. One thing about such men is they hold themselves with pride. They leave some pride to themselves. They are the kind that will not jump the food queue. They tend to suffer from approach anxiety, rarely will they approach a girl first. They are laidback, waiting for all the stars to align. Imagine how Pogba holds himself on the pitch, caring more about his hairstyle and walking with a swagger, then you can picture the Man-utd man around town. If you are looking for the definition of average, look no more.
You know the definition of hard work? That is Chelsea and its supporters. They believe in getting things the hard way. You can show them the shortcut, but they always believe in taking the longer route. They come from the good old days of Mourinho, who inspired them to their first serious success. So they believe life will always be about the good old formulas. They are the conservative type of men.
If their first car was a Toyota make, they will forever bet on Toyota. These men are usually the definition of boredom, the kind that will share a joke that has made a hundred rounds on WhatsApp groups. Chelsea men are predictable. You basically know where they hang out, most reside in Kisaasi. You do not need a mind-reading diploma to know their next move. But definitely, they are the kind of men who commit. They will settle down once in a relationship. But expect no fun. Just the same usual drill.
If you hate Budonians, if you hate Smackists, then you will hate Liverpool supporters. Because they are the definition of snobbish. Although they decry everyone else for being average, their life is rarely any different. They will complain about Africa’s incompetence, but like Shakespeare’s prophecy, “the lady doth protest too much, methinks”. They themselves are usually the definition of incompetence in their personal work.
They rarely complete projects. Every month, they are launching something new in their life. One day, they are into the restaurant business, only to meet them talking about their consultancy another month. But you must respect them for their grasp of the Queen’s language. You must also trust them for their honesty and never giving up spirit.
Liverpool men never lose hope, a redeeming quality that also makes them potential stalkers. They will never take ‘no’ for an answer. They believe that sooner or later, they will get that which they seek. The most annoying part about them is their loyalty. They are loyal to their club, but they are also loyal to their jerseys. Liverpool men are not ashamed of turning up in their jersey to a corporate dinner or to a boardroom meeting on Monday morning. Yes, we know you support Liverpool, we know you studied at Budo, but do we need to be reminded?
Often times, when you find a man who supports Man-City, then you have found a millennial or a later soccer adopter. There is not a single grown-up man that supports Man-City. If he tells you he is a Man-City fan, you are in the presence of a millennial who spends most of his time creating Twitter memes. They want to signal that they are creative rebels but supporting clubs no one else supports. Well, because in this new era, being different is the new cool.
Spanish and Italian clubs
These are men who are driven by the messiah factor. They basically follow individuals. They are the kind of men who will gladly kiss a pastor’s feet. They basically kiss everything, if that is what it takes to make it in life. They are ‘yes’ men. They will say ‘Yes’ to their boss’ ideas just because they want to please him. For what reason does a man without a cable TV subscription give for supporting Real Madrid, Barcelona or even Juventus? No reason, just kajanja.