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How to be …Olara Otunnu

RIDING SOLO:  It is not hard to be like Olara Otunnu, just buy a couple of oversized kitenge shirts and take a vow of celibacy, writes Ian Ford Nkera.

What if the bushman from the movie God’s Must Be Crazy lived amongst us? You just never know. Maybe the scruffy guy with the bare buttocks could have stopped by a craft shop to wrap himself in kitenge before heading to the city for a taste of civilisation and reinventing himself as Olara Otunnu.Civilisation however didn’t educate Olara Otunnu that the kitenge wasn’t to be worn everywhere and all the time. It’s almost become his signature style that you can barely think of Olara Otunnu and not think of an oversized red kitenge.
The former UN envoy who was the President of Uganda People’s Congress (UPC) until recently is one for the news. He is the kind to feel awfully bored if not thrust into the middle of controversy that he will do or say anything to keep him accommodated in the news.Olara is an educated bloke. He has amassed quite a number of certificates in the academia world but one still eludes him till this day; the marriage certificate. The Harvard alumni for all his intelligence has failed to get the pass mark to enter the marriage institution. If you want to be like Olara Otunnu, here is your guide.

Complain, complain and complain
Olara Otunnu will blame the government for everything and never give credit where it is due. To be like Olara Otunnu, you must have a rare talent in looking for negatives in everything. Complain about the weather, the birds in the air and anything you can think of and blame them for your woes.Olara Otunnu could be called the ugly co-wife who will find fault in anything the more favoured wife does. The former opposition leader’s life has been defined by pointing out failures in the government’s work. How about you start by complaining about why you have to go to work on public holidays. Your boss will understand your honesty.

United Nations special envoy of the single
Olara Otunnu is the ambassador of all bachelors out there. You wonder how a man so educated and well travelled would remain unmarried to this day. Well Olara Otunnu is the standard unit of bachelorhood. You are forced to believe that his only companion in this world could be the kitenges in his closet. The guy always looks worryingly lonely. A Kadaga-Otunnu match up wouldn’t seem like the worst idea out there. Would it? Being like Otunnu will require you to get married to your career. Go out there and attain all this success in career, academics and have only your pet dog to revel and enjoy your achievements. You should be Team Single all the way.

Be stubborn…..very stubborn
Olara Otunnu traversed the whole country looking for votes to become President and when the time came to cast votes, the unthinkable happened. The UPC man didn’t vote himself. Yes you read right. Who in their right state of mind would fail to vote for themselves? Well, Olara Otunnu did. The Harvard read Olara missed out on one of the few votes he could have got from the elections. To be like Olara Otunnu,be the groom that stubbornly misses out on saying his vows in church because he thinks the clergyman might have his eye on his bride.

One kitenge, one love
The UPC man has an obsession with the kitenge (African wear) that you are bound to think that’s the only piece of attire he has in his closet. Calling it monotony would be an understatement because he has worn this to every event you can think of. You are left to wonder if Olara Otunnu mistakes every event for an arts exhibition. The fashion community is forgiving so much that Olara Otunu can afford to walk around Uganda looking like a Sadolin Paint ambassador in his trademark red Kitenge.If you want to be like Olara Otunnu, find your fashion comfort zone and stick to it. Unless you are like Kakooza Mutale who missed fashion classes, this shouldn’t be difficult.
There you have it. Go ahead and be like Olara Otunnu.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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