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How to be …… Omukama Oyo

Born a king:  Tooro King Oyo Nyimba Kabamba Iguru has been a king since he was three years old. Ian Ford Nkera guides you on how to be like him.

Oyo Nyimba Kabamba Iguru IV is a king first and foremost. That is why he can afford to cross-leg with one leg facing Kabarole District and the other stamped in Buganda territory and no questions are expected to be asked. Even when he appears to be talking to a highly-ranked Buganda kingdom official like he was talking to his errand boy, King Oyo owes no one an explanation. At least that’s what the Tooro Kingdom fraternity believes. To the more radical Baganda, the young king showed disrespect in its utmost form. The fact that he attended the Kabaka’s(Buganda King) birthday celebrations in Buganda land automatically made him inferior in authority and that’s why the Baganda expected him to be at the mercy of all Buganda officials. Interestingly, when the Katikkiro of Buganda (prime minister) bent and appeared to ask the youthful king if he had “a small pin charger”, Oyo in perceived arrogance wore a straight face, remaining cross-legged and looking like he didn’t care that the Katikkiro’s phone battery was dying out. The reaction from the public was mixed with some hailing the king and others baying for his blood. If you ever intended to be like King Oyo, here is your guide.
Kings are made
If you have ‘Mukoopi’ (subject) written all over your life, we shall take time out to pray for you. If your forefathers were employed to clip the nails or dance naked for great kings back then, this time we shall fast for you. We know that not all of us can be kings by birth but that shouldn’t stop us from feeling like kings. You can be a king at home or anywhere. If your wife frightens you and you spend days away from home, it’s time to assert yourself as king of your two-roomed kingdom. You must demand to be treated like a king. You should run everything from the TV remote to the largest area space on your matrimonial bed. Demand that your wife changes the light bulb. Kings lead, not follow.

Oyo….King of the cross-leg
Batooro are not experts at keeping their legs closed so we must commend the young king for keeping his legs closed. At least he is the first to have achieved that. His approach is the cross-leg, a sitting posture that speaks volumes to whoever is watching. A cross-leg posture may tell a story of authority, comfort, arrogance and other messages, depending on who is looking. If your body is as sizable as that of Straka, cross-legging might appear rather difficult. If you are a woman who is looking to invite stares or looking out for a potential mate, the cross-leg approach should work wonders for you. This should be done with full knowledge that your legs and their accessories are worth a stare. If you boast of militia scars on your thighs, cross-legging should be given a second thought.

Royalty with swag
King Oyo is believed to have too much swag for your ordinary king. As his subjects in Fort Portal are trying to keep up pace with the world, you will most likely find him enjoying a game of soccer with his friends at one of the nightspots or entertaining his friends with a game of Play Station. He rocks designer shades on his trips around Kampala city, looking dapper in fitting polo T-shirts and designer jeans. He has too much swag that he doesn’t keep eye contact while greeting elders or even sit upright in the company of elder dignatories. If you are a Mutooro who was schooled in Nyakasura and speaks every other language with a twinge of Rutooro, my friend emulate your king. He is too cool for that accent.

Ignore the Kijanangomas
King Oyo is facing a stern test as King of Tooro, with his cousin David Kijanangoma ready to unseat him as king. The youthful king has maintained a certain level of calmness beyond his age amid all the pressure back at his palace. If you intend to be like King Oyo, you must ignore the ‘Kijanangomas’ of this world and focus on the bigger picture. Even if all your children look like your neighbour Wamala, ignore all the rumours about him possibly being the father of your children and carry on with your life. If you meet Wamala on his way out of your gate, imagine he was just fixing a broken pipe at your home. Ignore anything that threatens your peace.

Mummy’s boy
If you ever want to see Queen Mother Best Kemigisa’s ‘other side’, do anything bad that is directed at her beloved son. She is protective of her son and has been fighting all her son’s battles since time immemorial. King Oyo is the textbook definition of a Mummy’s boy. He would lick his mum’s thumb for life if need ever presented itself. If you intend to be like King Oyo, be the man who runs to his mother for anything.
There you have it. Go ahead and be like King Oyo.

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not neccesarily be an objective assessment of the individual.

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