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How to be a female soccer fan

Uganda Cranes supporters ready to watch a match at Namboole. PHOTO BY EDDIE CHICCONow that it’s world cup season: Stop wondering why each of the 22 men on the soccer pitch is not given their own ball to play with and get the ABC of soccer, writes Ian Ford Nkera.

Remember when you were told to find the ‘value of x’ in that dreadful maths lesson. The more you tried to figure it out, the more it went unsolved. The value of x has got to be the one mystery that has eluded the greatest mathematicians for centuries. One more puzzling mystery is the one you will find a Ugandan female soccer fan embroiled in. They will never understand why men stay so glued to their screen for 90 minutes without a single wink. They wonder why the referee isn’t celebrating a goal with the players or why the goalkeeper is the only one allowed to handle the ball with their hands.
The world of football is that one mystery many women will never be able to figure out but will rather die than be left behind in the soccer fad. Now that the World Cup is here, women have caught the ‘bandwagon’ virus and will root for their respective teams without much of a clue about what is going on. I hereby usher you into the very intriguing and interesting world of the Ugandan female soccer fan.

Look the part
Who needs to go to Brazil if you can simply buy a Brazilian hairdo from the many batembeyi around town? It doesn’t necessarily have to be the exact Brazilian wig, but wearing one would work wonders. You could also sink in buckets of make-up before you make your way to that bar that telecasts all the World Cup games. That guy screaming, “Drogbaaaa” could well be your future husband so why not look sexy for him. You could etch your name onto that soccer jersey and you would look amazing. Imagine a jersey that had the inscriptions “Nansikombi Goretti” at the back. You would be the star of the show automatically.

Update the world
Why watch the World Cup if you are not going to inform the whole world about it? While a Facebook post will do little to mask your ignorance about the game, it will go far to tell the world that you at least made effort and you are not seated home like some portrait of sorts. So make your post somewhat sensational like, “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe Ghana and Germany fell draw-draw”. You could go over the top and tell the world how Cristiano Ronaldo is your soulmate and you are carrying his baby. While some of us know that the baby you are carrying is Sekitoleko’s, you could tell the world how you are expecting twins with Ronaldo. Ugandan people are forgiving and will quickly let you off the hook.

Be the cheerleader
Cheer everything from a throw-in to a corner kick. Dont worry that people will look at you as stupid. We all love people who are passionate and to be anything like that soccer mad chic, you have got to shout your lungs out in celebration. Attach sentiment to every detail that goes on about the pitch and when that player from the team you adore decides to score a breathtaking own goal, stand on that table, unbutton your blouse and scream to the heavens. God will surely hear you and reward you. That own goal my dear is what will catapult your team to victory. For the ignorant ones, an own goal is where a player can gift his team glory by scoring in his own net. So to be like that cool soccer mad chic, pray for own goals if you want your team to stand a chance. And before I forget, cheer when the referee decides to pull out a red card for he is giving a player a pass out to go refresh himself before he can return to the pitch. Don’t you all love soccer ladies.

Play the ‘free’ role
To be like that Ugandan soccer fan, feel free to ask and you will be helped. You can ask why players never pass the ball to the referee or you could ask why Arsenal has repeatedly faltered at the World Cup and never made it out of the group stages. Be very confident and assertive when asking questions. Ask people why Fifa can be so selfish to offer one ball for all 22 men to chase. Ugandan soccer fans love confident women and they will surely answer you correctly. Don’t be shy to ask what a 4-4-2 formation is all about. But I guess that should be obvious. Well ladies, the 4-4-2 formation simply means that for every four goals you score, you get four more goals free with the other two, meaning you are excused from two more games. How exciting!

Tight mark him
So when your boyfriend’s team, Italy, scores, make sure that you are the one he swallows up in that warm embrace. With the many female strikers on the counter attack, you cannot be sure who will score the goal that dumps you out of the group stages so you have got to be on the lookout. I simply mean that there are women waiting to take your place so you must adopt the “tight marking” defensive mechanism to avoid any threat of your man being taken away from you. Follow him to the washrooms if need be. He might need some team talk.
So there you have it, you can now be that die hard soccer fan you have always wanted to be.

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