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A newbie’s guide to Nyege Nyege


Most importantly, leave your kajanja in Kampala…

Irressistible: It is not a Nyege Nyege until some government official threatens to cancel the event. It is the cancellation threat that always announces the start of Nyege Nyege. Yes, part of the rituals around Nyege Nyege are these pushes, the back and forth, the discussions with Mama Morality. The reactions from Twitterazi. Now, for those who will be wearing a newcomer’s uniform to Nyege Nyege, there are some important things to know…

  1. Fake stops outside

At Nyege Nyege, we are on ‘original’ aka ‘natural’. This is not the time to show up with the Hawaiian weave. Yes, speaking to you Shan, this is not the time to shorten those names. This is the time to show up strong, and proud. If you are Nakakaawa, this is not the time to be known as Naky or Knucky. You must cleanse yourself of everything fake. No reason to deny yourself that Rolex when you see it.

At Nyege Nyege, we expect that you will confidently munch on nyanya mbisi without shame. We expect that for the first time, we shall see your original colour. If you plan to do otherwise, then table your case at Parliament.

  1. Do not start fights with your marriage holders

Every marriage in Uganda has a marriage holder. There is a high chance you may collide with your marriage holder while at Nyege Nyege. This is not the time to pick up fights. We are not here to witness drama. At Nyege Nyege, we are on ‘One Love.’ Yes, your mug-google may have another one around, but do not take it personal.

Appreciate your marriage holder. Appreciate them for all the times you cooked spaghetti and eggs for your man while they served him luwombo. Pick lessons. Your marriage could have failed many years ago if it were not for the holder. Never disrespect the holder, at least not at Nyege Nyege.

  1. There are no celebrities at Nyege Nyege

Yes, you could meet handsome men such as the King of Yoruba, but do not panic, do not act overly excited. At Nyege Nyege, there are no celebrities. Those things of shouting around celebrities should stop in Mukono. Please we beg, do not go past Mukono with this mentality that you will be asking celebrities for photos. Everyone is a celebrity at Nyege Nyege. By the mere fact that you manage to make it to the grounds, you must tap yourself on the back.

Imagine how many Ugandan MPs are wishing for an opportunity at Nyege Nyege? When you meet a Kampala celebrity, please act normal. Unless you meet people such as Omutujju or Kid-dee, then it is time to run for your dear life, scamper as far away as you can.

  1. You will sleep in Kampala or Nairobery

Forget about sleep. This is not the time to stress your friends with statements such as; ‘I am tired’ or ‘Can we first go back to the hotel and sleep?’ Not this time! Those things you keep doing at your Kampala concerts, or Kileleshwa bars should stop there. Do not bring the problems of Riverside to us. Yes, I am speaking to the Wamulambezi crew. At Nyege Nyege, we will not be sleeping. It is parte after parte. Save your sleep for that moment when you visit your grandmother in Kakuuto. We did not fight for your freedom just to have you sleep.

Do you know how many ministers it took to free the Nyege Nyege spirit? Do you even know why Nyege Nyege is written twice? Clearly it speaks to dancing and dancing. If you do not plan to dance at Nyege Nyege, at least plan to dance. And don’t you be coming here to interpret small statements for those who cannot!

  1. The Bachwezi do not run Nyege Nyege

We know you have been causing havoc, reserving tables around every bar in Kampala. Not at Nyege Nyege, there are no reservations. There is no special treatment for Bachwezi. At Nyege Nyege, we are all ‘Banyege’. Yes, if you did not know, the people who attend Nyege Nyege are called the ‘Banyege’. Start to get familiar with the Nyege language, things such as ‘nyegering’, ‘omunyege’, ‘akanyege.’ The point is, you are at liberty to create new words to add to the ‘Lunyege’ language. Every mistake at Nyege is a form of art. Every body movement is a dance. We are not interested in how many hangers-on you have, your bouncers, your crew. Leave your kajanja in Kampala. Those things of reminding us about your father this, your father that, please pause those stories until we return from Nyege Nyege.

  1. You must drink a Waragi

You can fail at everything in life, but do not fail to grab a waragi at Nyege Nyege. It will awaken the spirits. Your ancestors will finally remember you. We know you have been moving from one situationship to another, miracles, signs and wonders happen at Nyege Nyege. And those miracles often start with a Waragi, ie UG. Be Ugandan enough, it is the only chance to be a Ugandan.

  1. Whatever happens at Nyege Nyege stays at Nyege

You will meet your Pastor at Nyege Nyege, but remember while at Nyege, he is not a pastor, all titles and positions remain outside the gates. You will see your boss doing Nyege things, and act normal. She is human after all. You think she does not want to do that ka move; ‘Shut up and bend over.’ You think ‘egaali ekozeeko’ does not move anymore? Keep all these beautiful memories to yourself. Only discuss Nyege stories with fellow Banyege or else keep silent until death do you part.

With that said, you do not need any further induction to become a Munyege. Just show up as you have always wanted, with all your flaws, all your funny moves, at Nyege, we shall tolerate you. You do not need any Mama Lususu to fit in Okay!

Twitter: ortegatalks

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