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Career guide to becoming a Ugandan VIP

Show up late, and then have the MC interrupt his speech…

Running the city. You have seen them everywhere, in traffic jam, at Church functions, in the countryside. You have probably admired them from afar and wondered; “How do I join that league of the Big Boys and Girls?” Wonder no more! We hacked the step by step guide to becoming a Ugandan VIP.

  1. Get a government job

This is the starting point and probably the easiest route. In Uganda, the moment you join the government, that is the day you get a waiver to break every rule. You stop subjecting yourself to the rules, the rules subject themselves to you. If you can remind people that you do something for the government, you staple papers, you drive someone in government. You need not appear on the official payroll. You can also join the government by association. For example, if you are the side bae of a government official, you automatically become a government official. If your father has ever worked in government, you earn the right to call yourself a government official. And once we can put your name close to anything called government, then you my friend are a VIP.

  1. Get a double cabin or better, a V8

You are not a VIP in Uganda until you have a car that stands out from the rest. Your car must have the ability to arouse fear. It must have those sturdy metallic car guards. Its engine must ooze power. It must vibrate in the hearts of every other road user. As a Ugandan VIP, you cannot compromise on the car you drive.

Buy a very expensive car or get an official government car. Sometimes, it does not have to be a government vehicle, it can be an authority. If you work with a utilities company, you earn the right to be a VIP. Now that we have sorted ourselves with a good car worthy of a Ugandan VIP, it is time to step up.

  1. Indiscipline on the road

As a Ugandan VIP, you must appear to always be rushing somewhere. We do not care whether you are dropping your children to school or heading to a massage parlour, just be in a rush. Patience and VIP do not mix in Uganda. You did not work your way up the top to suffer the same inconveniences as other Ugandans. Drive on every wrong side of the road. Get your soldiers to waive chaps off the road. If possible, scratch some cars. How will people know that you are a VIP?

It helps to have those red number plates. It does not matter which Ministry or Authority, just never follow the same rules as other road users. Brush them into the trenches. Let them be inspired to work harder, to put in the time and energy to become something in this Pearl of Potholes.

  1. Arrive late

Although you are always in a rush, never arrive on time. Ugandan VIPs are allergic to keeping time. Again, how will the peasants realise you are a VIP if you show up at the same time as they do. You are a busy person, you cannot keep the same schedule as the commoners. And they must recognise your arrival. Show up when the function is in progress and then have the chance to waive at them. You must get recognised at every moment. Show up late, and then have the MC interrupt his speech to recognise your arrival. “Our dear mourners, honourable has just arrived, let us stand up and welcome him.”

Once you show up late, ask to be given the chance to speak immediately. You do not have time to listen to other people’s speeches. You are a VIP and thus carry a more important message. Speak, and speak until there is nothing left to be said. Make sure everyone starts to doze, and then sign off at the end with a political signature. Once you are done talking, immediately sign out. Again, as a VIP you cannot spend time breathing the same air as commoners. You may get infected with their problems. Rush off to nowhere as you have always done.

  1. When the mouth is eating, it cannot talk

As a Ugandan VIP, you must know when to speak and when to keep silent. A Ugandan VIP is only silent when he is eating. Otherwise, he must be talking. That is the only rule. If you are not eating, you must be making noise. You must be active on every social media platform, appearing on every talk show. But once you start eating, you must take a vow of silence. To speak not until the mouth is empty.

  1. Fashion is not your friend

You must despise fashion. Do not be the Among kind. The kind that wants to showcase the latest design every day. Those are outliers. You must learn from the best. From an Ali, from a Seven, those are your benchmarks.

You did not become a VIP to suffer. You became a VIP to earn the freedom to lead a disorganised life. You do not conform to fashion, fashion conforms to you. If unsure, always choose the cringed, the oversized. Let the poor deal with their public appearances. You are already a VIP.

  1. Demand for VIP treatment

You get what you demand for in life. Thus, when you show up for that Christmas Church Service, demand to speak. And when you speak, speak big. Speaking big is about making the kind of pledges that will leave everyone scampering in fear. Promise to demolish and construct a new church. Promise to extend the railway to Kigezi region. Demand to sit at the front. Demand for a special seat. Demand to have everything sanitised.

Before you enter the church, send your advance team to inform everyone of your arrival. As a VIP, you can interrupt a church service. God can always pause his activities in your presence. As a Ugandan VIP, make sure that you help in public. Never help without a camera in sight. Everything must be recorded, all the promises, all the pledges, all the lies, everything. You are a VIP.

Once you do these seven things, you will automatically jump into the league of the big boys. You do not have to suffer like the Subaru boys and their LED strips. You are beyond that camouflage. But do not forget the siren. Regardless of the time, regardless of the traffic, sound that siren. It announces the presence of a VIP!

Twitter: ortegatalks

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