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You know it’s a Ugandan mother when…

Any money lent to her is as good as a donation…

TYPICAL. Mother’s Day is right upon us. But have you ever wondered; “what makes a Ugandan mother? How can you tell a Ugandan mother apart in a group of mothers?” If you ever needed a confirmation that your mother is Ugandan, this is it!

  1. Inflating the children’s achievements

Ugandan mothers never want to appear like failures among their peers. They will always exaggerate their children’s achievements. If you get promoted to a manager position, the mother will claim that you are now the person holding the company together. “My child over there, without him, the company can’t run.” It’s for this reason that Ugandan mothers can never own up to the faults of their children. It is always another party spoiling or misleading their innocent children. In the eyes of a Ugandan mother, their children are angelic beings.

  1. Archivers

Ugandan mothers are the queens of archiving, from empty tins to old clothes. Ugandan mothers have a disdain for throwing away stuff. Everything can be reused in the home of a Ugandan mother. They just have a passion for looking at all their tins, boxes, newspapers, books, clothes, every useful and useless thing. You will be busy minding your life only for a Ugandan mother to pull out your childhood nappies in the age of diapers.

  1. They never apologise

Ugandan mothers will never apologise to their children. She will accuse you of losing something, find it later, but she will never gather the courage to confess that it was her fault. Ugandan mothers apologise by initiating some small talk. They will call you up just to remind you about your childhood rabbit or ask you to come around home and you taste some of the local chicken eggs.

It takes a special kind of luck to hear the words “sorry” in her mouth. When you are in an argument with a Ugandan mother, anything you say or not say gets used against you. If you choose to keep silent, that is a crime. If you talk back, that is also a crime. You are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Ugandan mothers are always right!

  1. Sarcastic warnings

Ugandan mothers will never give direct warnings. Instead she will sarcastically encourage you to proceed with your mistakes. “Now that I am away, feel free to bring in all your boyfriends at home, do not clean up the house, use up all the money as you wish. After all, you are the boss in this house. “They always employ reverse psychology. She will be caning you, and if you dare hold the stick, she will inform every relative about how you tried to beat her up. As a child, the principle was, whenever you are talking to a Ugandan mother, keep your distance, something can land on your body abruptly. A Ugandan mother will lecture you for hours then close with the statement: ‘After that, you people will say that I talk a lot.”

  1. Ugandan mothers never pay their debts

Any money lent to a Ugandan mother is as good as a donation. If you dare initiate a debt recovery plan, you will be reminded of all the things they’ve freely given to you. “Are you the one who bought the food you ate yesterday? Are you the one paying the Umeme bills? So just small one million and you think you gave me a lot?”

  1. Shy when it comes to sex talk

Ugandan mothers are shy when it comes to sex talk. It is one conversation they always find hard to initiate. They never know how to bring up this conversation. They spend the first half of their life warning their daughters and sons against engaging in any form of relationship. They spend the next half of their life looking for all ways to secretly encourage their children to bring home an in-law.

  1. Serial bargainers/negotiators

No one bargains better than a Ugandan mother. A Ugandan mother can buy anything at any price, simply tell her your budget and let her execute the assignment. A Ugandan mother has the energy to walk from one shop to another, get the same response and still hope that it will be lower at the next shop. Even when she fails to get a discount, she will justify her decision. At least this place has better quality than the first one. If you follow a Ugandan mother for a shopping session, be ready to walk back and forth. She will walk the whole of Kikuubo looking for a cup with a specific holder.

  1. They never tolerate pointless questions

Ugandan mothers expect that you will always employ common sense. You should be able to figure out where to place items in the house. If you ask her where to place the basin, she will tell you to place it on her head. A Ugandan mother won’t have chores for you until you mention that you would like to go visit a friend. That is when she remembers that the compound needs to be slashed. Have you also noticed that Ugandan mothers always have challenges with their phones? No matter how many times you offer the phone lesson, they will always ask you to help out on the same problem.

Let’s hear from you, at what point did you realise that your mother was indeed a Ugandan?

Twitter: ortegatalks

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