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Open letter to the Rev. Ntagali from a recovering musegu

Those crying mbu you broke their hearts, have the most wretched skeletons.

Retired Archbishop Stanley Ntagali

Dear most reverend sir, what happened to you is not uncommon. It has happened to a zillion skillion men and women of the cloth. Even to me, it happened (is happening, happens, could happen). It just wasn’t with a married woman, I wasn’t a former archbishop and I haven’t been caught, yet. So you are not alone. I am in no way trying to trivialise your dilemma but only trying to give your perspective. Another point of comfort could be that by the time you read this, the court of public opinion will have moved onto the next randomly ridiculous news to grace these streets.

So you see, it is not as bad as you think it is, at least the part where society mocks you. The harder part though will be try to make it right with your immediate family. Don’t beat yourself up about holier-than thou parishioners. Those same people crying mbu you have broken their hearts mbu how can a whole holy person kwegadanga like mere mortals do, those same people have the most wretched skeletons in their closets, skeletons that would make yours seem like an African barbie doll. So abeg, apologise to them, because you are a leader but after that, move on. Run away if you must. I know someone who does really good makeup and can alter your look. That way you can live among us with a changed identity until you are ready to come out of the closet.

I am sure by now you have asked our good and gracious Lord to forgive you like a thousand times and if any of the things you have preached and believed all these years mean anything to you, you know He has forgiven you. That time underground will be to forgive yourself. Feel free to take someone with you for support and also to act as your suicide watcher. I suggest it be a very unattractive middle aged man with smelly armpits lest present demons show up to tempt you again. I know right now you think you can never ever get tempted to touch again, but truth is even after falling, you still remain human, you will still end up entangled, all it takes is the right conditions and leggings. Why do you think the Bible says to flee from sexual immorality?

Only a fool thinks he can play with fire and not get burned. I am not calling you a fool, I am just trying to use all my important words in this paragraph. Moral of the story, stay away from women. They are baaaaad. Seriously stay away, okay apart from mama Ntagali. She is the only one you are safe with. Just be sure she has actually forgiven you, otherwise…

In closing, let us read Proverbs 5:17-20; “Enjoy the woman you married while you were young. She is like a beautiful deer, a lovely fawn. Let her love satisfy you completely. Stay drunk on her love and don’t go stumbling into the arms of another woman”.

Until we meet again sir, may the Lord keep you safe from the female species and I, from the other. Amen.


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