Connect
To Top

Constitution of the Stingy Men Association of Uganda

Remember, the stingy shall inherit the earth. The generous shall die with regrets.

The stingier, the better: Stingy Men of Uganda have formed an association to fight for the rights of all ‘stingers’. They, in turn, have to swear by this constitution recently drafted.

This constitution drafted in the year of the Pandemic will for generations to come define the meaning of austerity, and a re-emergence in the new normal. Members of the Stingy Men Association Uganda (SMAU) shall henceforth be known as the ‘Stingers’ for there is no greater pain than to deny other people the gains of our sweat.

What we earned through sweat, others too must gain from us through sweat. We are not in any way related to the Broke Men Association Uganda (BMAU).

BMAU is heralded by the Subaru men and we are not in any way relatives, colleagues or associates. These are the articles that shall define our association.

Article One: Membership

1.A person shall become a Member of SMAU after a rigorous scrutiny of their wallet and their ways of life. Men who pledge at weddings shall not be granted membership to this Association. Men who offer to pick up their dates and drop them shall not be considered for membership.

  1. A member must feel no shame whatsoever in rejecting any monetary request presented to him. Members shall arm themselves with excuses such as; ‘let me see what I can do’, ‘I wish you had told me earlier’, ‘I am expecting some ka-money next week’, ‘let me call you back’, ‘I will let you know.’ No commitment whatsoever should be made by a member towards honouring any form of monetary request.

3.All members must belong first and foremost to the struggle. These are abnormal times. All members must subscribe to the ‘struggle creed.’ Nothing goes out of the pocket during a struggle. No dates, no birthday showers, no baby showers. Everything starts and ends at home.

Article Two: Uncoordinated Messaging from the Girl Child

1.Members must watch out for uncoordinated messaging from the girl child. A member must avoid responding to a random unsolicited ‘Hi’ from the girl child. Let the sleeping dog lie. Don’t insist on knowing why a girl child is not okay.

That’s how members in the past were met with requests for bailouts. We are not the government. Government should play its role. Our role as SMAU members is to live and let live. We shall not interrupt what God is doing in other people’s lives.

2.Immediately you read things such as ‘I miss you’, ‘I love you’, be sure to respond a day later. A stinger must reply a day later to all messages that contain any form of compliment. If you read; ‘please call me back, it’s urgent’, don’t panic, many men have rushed and called back only to end up in the broke men association.

  1. Any daughter of Eve that asks for money shall be treated as an illegal immigrant and be labelled; ‘not wife material.’ Remember, the stingy shall inherit the earth. The generous shall die with regrets.

Article Three: Leadership

  1. Unlike other associations, there won’t be a position of Treasurer in SMAU.

There’s nothing to collect. No membership fees, no annual subscription fees. We are allergic to anything called ‘contribution.’ We’ve already contributed enough in life.

  1. Membership shall be based on stingy levels. The stingier one gets, the higher their chances of ascending to the leadership of this historical association. Members shall always abide by the slogan; ‘Esaawa Yonna Omukaazi Akyuuka.”

Article Four: Transport Money

  1. Transport money is haram for all members of SMAU. It has no legal basis and should, therefore, be treated as a bribe.

2.However, exemption shall be offered for transport money in case;

  1. a) The ‘transported’ is using a bodaboda and money is refunded upon arrival aka INCOTERM: Payment upon delivery at place (DAP).

Article Five: Airtime

1.Refer to Article Four. Thou shall not buy airtime for anyone. If you want to talk to someone, you will call them. What is the airtime for? Who are they calling other than you?

2.WhatsApp shall be the mode of communication. No video calls however shall be allowed. Anything that exhausts data bundles shall be treated with caution. Always disable data when not active online.

Article Six: Negotiation, Bargaining

1.Members must always act under the belief that they’re being cheated. As such, never shall a member accept the first price offered to them. If a bodaboda says it’s 5K to Kampala, assume it’s 2K. Only settle after three bodabodas maintain the same price. There’s always room for a better price.

2.Members must practice the art of walking away in hopes that the service provider will call them back. Keep Walking is the motto.

3.When traveling, the Driving permit should never be stored in the wallet. Members should avoid giving traffic police clues about their financial standing. Emulate the broke men so as not to be like them.

4.When out shopping, the Stinger shall always direct his partner’s movement, he is expected to define the route, the faster out of the supermarket, the better. If possible, the stinger shall fake a call to rush somewhere.

Article Seven: Events, Celebrations

  1. A member must be ready to fall sick, disappear, lose his phone, lose a relative when days such as her birthday, Valentines, name it all come around. Unless luck has it that a member has a complimentary ticket, members are immune to all kinds of events and celebrations.

*The rest of the constitution has been kept confidential.

Twitter: ortegatalks

Leave a comment

More in Columnists

  • The Monday troll: Here and there

    Facebook leaves NRM bots singing dirges A Ugandan man who lives off peddling abandoned rumours on Facebook has warned the social...

    sqoopadminJanuary 11, 2021
  • The sun will still rise, even after Jan 14

    This week, we are coming to the end of one of the most action-packed presidential campaigns many of us have ever...

    Andrew KaggwaJanuary 11, 2021
  • Fashion predictions for 2021

    Merry Christmas everybody! I hope this year’s celebrations will be memorable and fruitful for you and your loved ones. Seeing as...

    Faith AmonginDecember 26, 2020
  • Bring back the nineties Christmas

    The nineties were unforgettable. Uganda had just come out of a turbulent past and now, for the first time, a good...

    Faith AmonginDecember 25, 2020
  • Ladies and gentlemen… the list of noisemakers

    Noisemakers: A month will probably not pass without them being in the news. They live for that and have somehow mastered...

    sqoopadminNovember 8, 2019
  • Semyekozos & business ideas for greedy peeps

    Stop confusing us. Love nigg*s/semyekozos are commitment phobes who think the world rotates around then, well until they realise that it...

    sqoopadminNovember 8, 2019
  • Make waaaay y’all… Subaru approaching

    Always revved up: There is just something about Subaru drivers that gives them that urge for speed. Is it the nature...

    sqoopadminOctober 25, 2019
  • “Just Slaps… For You”

    Hearing Winnie Nwagi on Television naively explain the regrettable treatment of her housemaid left me aghast. As if the criminal choice...

    IAN FORD NKERAOctober 25, 2019
  • Decoding love nigg*s

    It turns out the so-called ‘love nigg*s’ might need to be phased out to prolong humanity… mbu. It has also been...

    IAN FORD NKERAOctober 18, 2019