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The nominations that were…

At 24 years, many of us were busy sketching for jobs.

ROAD TO 2021: This week, officially made known the candidates that will be running for the country’s top office and as usual with many Ugandan things, the presidential nominations did not lack drama.

Then the day came, it was Nomination Day. After 35 years in power, the one and only Museveni still had the swagger as he showed up for his nomination at Kyambogo. Like all the other aspirants, police picked Museveni from his home in Nakasero and safely delivered him to Kyambogo. Upon nomination, police got ‘overwhelmed’ by the ‘thousands’ of Museveni’s supporters. They were fighting tooth and nail to wave to their Fresh Bwoy. Fresh Bwoy, aka Bosco, was going to secure their future.

Before you ask which future, you must realise that for many of these supporters, they were just babies when Fresh Bwoy took over in 1986. As such, many were already in their future. Unless there is any other future to secure, but one should be certain that the message could have read otherwise. But you must give it up to Fresh Bwoy’s marketing team. They succeeded in picturing him around babies, aka clueless babies.

Then the President, amid resistance from the Uganda Police Force, proceeded to Munyonyo to launch his manifesto. Bebe Cool as usual could not understand why the newcomers like Ronald Mayinja were having easier access to the President than the historicals.  Full Figure, on the other hand, kept talking about how ‘Maama Lumumba’s security denied her entrance.

Then came the mighty 24-year-old John Katumba. At 24 years of age, many of us were busy sketching for jobs, looking for an apartment in the areas of Kisaasi and Najjera and dreaming of a job that simply pays a minimum of Shs1m as salary. Katumba was going for the highest office in the country. But luck was not on his side on the first day. His car tyre got a puncture, then he had to emulate Cheptegei and run to the nomination venue. Upon arrival, it turned out that he had not paid the required Shs20m fee. Why? Because he lacked a letter from his employers. Why? Because he’s a fresh graduate. So, he’d showed up with the money in cash, only to be advised to return the next day. Come Tuesday, Katumba was back to the podium. This time round he was duly nominated. And he went on to make the grand promises.

If you do not have a house, Katumba says he will get you one under his ‘shelter endorsement’ programme. It is possible my friends. You do not have to keep running from your landlord. Simply sign up for shelter endorsement and you can wave farewell to your rent costs. It has been long since we heard about shelter, but our head prefect could be having more things in his basket. Don’t be surprised when he promises to deliver crayons and free breakfast to every home.

But the real day was the Magere boy’s procession. As expected, the kind Uganda police picked up Bobi Wine from his home and escorted him to Kyambogo. Some bad elements tried to harm the ghetto president, which forced police to use teargas in order to avert the threat. The awesome Uganda Police also took it upon themselves to uplift the fashion style of Bobi Wine and crew. Away from Barbie’s Emirates hostess style, police left the NUP spokesperson Joel Ssenyonyi with ripped pants. Muhammed Ssegirinya was nowhere to be seen at the end of the day, despite running for a large part of the journey. Eddie Mutwe was left in disbelief about the realities of the struggle. This time round, there was no chance for one to say, “kati nze nebwentema.”

According to the grapevine, NUP supporters are suspected of making away with The Villager’s shoes. The Villager was bundled onto a police saloon car and dropped in Kyambogo. As usual, the generous Uganda Police donated a car to The Villager’s cause for they couldn’t stand him struggling to get fuel to the venue. Along the way someone stole The Villager’s shoes. And for a moment; “walk in my shoes” made real sense. Or perhaps it was evidence that Besigye’s shoes were too big for The Villager to fit. Shoes, shoes and shoes. The Villager has suffered.

Then we had Mao, aka The Orator. If this election was about quotes, one liners, and anything along that, Mao would sweep it. The Subaru drivers were beyond excited when he told them to ‘tick the hoe’. We hope Mao will find time to clarify to these speed merchants that it is the actual hoe not the one found in their hangout spots. For now, all Najjera, Subaru, Altezza and Mark X drivers are Team Mao. “Tick the Hoe” they could be heard shouting.

Nancy Kalembe, the only female candidate, did make it to the ballot paper. And well, there is nothing much to say, which pretty much explains Besigye’s absence from the fracas. In all this, we were blessed by the ever dedicated Umeme. It ensured that the whole country had a continuous supply of darkness. Mbu, mbu Bobi Wine’s supporters could be accidentally electrocuted, so it was all done in good faith.

Welcome the 2021 campaigns!


Twitter: ortegatalks

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