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The dream presidential manifesto we longed for

I will immediately embark on the piped alcohol project.

Last Friday, we reviewed the presidential nomination week, and assumed we were done with everything to do with elections in Uganda. Until one drunkard from the Yoruba Kingdom spoke in the ‘emperor is naked’ tone. He wondered why all manifestos had ignored the issues of the common man. I have thus taken it upon myself to assume that I was a presidential candidate and grant Uganda the manifesto it needs.

  1. Transport money

Once in power, I will ensure that the transport money bill is passed into law. Transport money will only be refunded at the destination point. It will be a crime to send transport money before the arrival of the recipient. My government will also gazette standard rates of transport money. For example, from Nansana to Naalya, will be a standard 5K or even less. There is no way Nansana people can convince us that they will be using an Uber to Naalya.

  1. Bars

As a president of Uganda, I will immediately embark on the piped alcohol project. Since the incumbent considers drunkards a danger to themselves, my government shall dedicate funds towards the piped alcohol project. You will subscribe for your favourite brands the way you subscribe for TV packages. We shall also introduce the ‘malamu’ system like the ‘yaka’ metre where you can load bottles and shots. The system will sound a warning alarm when you are, for example, left with a few shots of spirit. Every bar in the area will be responsible for managing the piped beer lines. Bebe Cool will be appointed a quality consultant for these lines. In recent weeks, he has authored a research paper where it has been proven that alcohol sanitises the throat.

  1. Work husbands/Work wives

My government shall gazette and recognise work husbands and wives. As such, they will be entitled to a percentage of each other’s earnings. Upon the death of either party, a work wife shall have rights to the estate of the deceased. We shall demand that all companies set aside a day in the week for work husbands and wives to strengthen their bonds.

  1. Pork joints that cheat their customers

This is an issue that has failed Museveni’s government. We have always ordered for a kilo of pork, only to have a quarter delivered on our plates. My government has thus introduced a pork standards bureau (PSB). They will be responsible for monitoring the quantities of pork as it moves from the frying pan to the Lusaniya. Those caught cheating the system shall be tried instantly and will risk a minimum of two years in jail. The issue of pork editing will become history in my regime.

  1. Rolex counterfeiting

One of the reasons I am going to the bush in 2020 is to fight this issue of rolex counterfeits. Since when did minced meat or chicken become part of the rolex? Since when was rolex ordered through an App? All these are unacceptable. My government will only certify one rolex, and that is the rolex that’s prepared by the roadside, with a plastic cup for the eggs and the famous ‘ka-cloth.’ All else doesn’t qualify as rolex. In fact, even the packaging will have to adhere to our standards. A rolex must be packaged in a paper bag that has inscriptions. It could be Museveni’s transcript, or Full Figure’s  ‘idayology.’  But there must be some writing.

  1. Filters

I know this will make me unpopular as a president, but I am a servant of no one, I am just a revolutionary. My government will not allow the use of filters, especially when communicating to a wider audience. Going forward, this will count as voter fraud, vote rigging. Why should our sisters rig the election? Why should they excite us about meeting Rihanna, only to land on Full Figure?

  1. Broke men

In the same aspect, broke men will be barred from love. Where do you get time to vibe a girl when you are broke? Where do you get that energy when you cannot afford a date? From now on, broke men, salary earners, all these categories of people will have to apply for a dating permit from their LC1 offices. They will need to justify why they want to date or be loved. My government shall run the Luganda Slogan; “a poor man is only loved by his mother.” However, broke girls will not be expected to demand for rich men. Each person is expected to date according to their abilities. My government is all for equality, truth and justice. Broke people on one side!

  1. Subaru drivers

My voters have been demanding to know my position on Subaru drivers. I will draft a Subaru drivers’ policy. But first and foremost, we shall have to launch a commission of inquiry just to understand one or two things. For example, where are Subaru drivers always rushing to? Why do they feel a need to prove something? Could it be that they are longing for love? For acceptance? For validation?

With that said, I will reserve the rest of our manifesto pillars lest Katumba claims it. Ehh Katumba Oyee!

Twitter: ortegatalks

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