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State of the Ugandan relationship

The struggle is real: The relationship between the boychild and girlchild has times when it gets rocky over things such as transport money, so the UBA met to discuss some.

The Uganda BoyChild Association (UBA) held its annual Boychild Conference. In attendance were men such as the aging Fatboy. Fatboy spent most of his time at the conference pampering his daughter Rukia with biscuits. For starters, Rukia is just a puppy. Despite such distractions, the BoyChild conference went on successfully.

Key on the table was the issue of transport money. Boychild kept on wondering; “who invented transport money?” At what point in history did transport money become valid? Did transport money come in as a replacement for ‘being escorted back home?’ Why, for example, wasn’t the boychild given transport money when it was him visiting?

A representative from the girlchild association interjected; “if you can sit down and debate transport money, then you’re just broke.” One man stood up and explained; “It’s not that we have an issue with transport money, it is just that our trust was broken. We used to send transport money prior to arrival. Then the girlchild would fox, they would go missing, the phone would get stolen, they would get some emergency. In the end, the money that was lost in this process was more than what is lost in miracle offertory.”

The men resolved that they will keep sending transport money. But like Eneke the bird, the boychild had now learned to fly without perching. Transport money would only be refunded upon arrival. As such, men agreed to start using statements such as “get a boda or uber, will refund it when you arrive.”

Those who own cars were advised to pick girlchild and then drop her thereafter. The boychild agreed that in this election, they should only vote for a president with a Transport Bill in their manifesto.

Second issue on the table was the issue of showers. Gashumba wondered; “what’s with showers these days?” Why are ladies over-showering? Shower this, shower that. Shower now, shower then. “You all realise that climate change is real. We cannot be wasting water unnecessarily.”

The men explained that it was now cheaper to be the side guy than the main guy. The side guy gets all the benefits of the main guy without incurring the costs and responsibilities of the main guy. Imagine the side guy is not expected to pay for her hair, or her rent. But he will have the opportunity to play with her hair. The main guy organises the birthday and the birthday shower. He must set aside money to book the venue, then design it according to the theme of the day. Then he is subjected to a photoshoot. After doing all this, he must show up with a worthy birthday gift. At least one of those sachet cars. But now girlchild wants to drive a Subaru. “What’s the role of the side guy? He reaps where he doesn’t sow? He’s a parasite.” The men agreed to scrap the position of the side guy. “We should all leave here aligned that we shall not tolerate side-guys, work husbands. They are the cause of all our relationship problems,” Kenzo commented.

Again, girlchild asked to correct the men. “You men are not getting to the root cause of your problems. Understand that beauty needs to be maintained. A man must keep improving. Most of you men once you start dating us, you get too comfortable. You stop making those jokes, you stop building muscles. You just settle in life. But above all, most of you men are broke,” Amito explained. At this point in time, the Broke Men Association (BMA) had been stung. The silence in the room was deafening. They had one last chance to shoot back; “we may be broke, but we don’t have fake hair.”

It was thus suggested that the issue of birthday showers, bridal showers, baby showers, kwanjula showers, drama showers be put on hold, pending resolution.

“Perhaps we should engage National Water to really understand what showering is all about,” Rukia’s father advised.

At this point, the floor was opened for general discussions. Men explained that the best thing that has happened to them was the ‘scientific wedding.’

“I was not going to vote Museveni, but he did one awesome thing; he introduced the scientific wedding. Imagine I was about to take a wedding loan,” Seru commented. Covid-19 to the men was proof of true love. If she really loves you, then she shouldn’t mind the scientific wedding.

Girlchild commented: “Problem with Ugandan men, they want good things, but they can’t afford them. You want a girl who looks like Rihanna but on the budget of a Full Figure.” That when you ask a Ugandan man for money, his reply is; “baby I wish you told me earlier.” Ugandan men were challenged to improve themselves. Your Nigerian counterparts are in the gym building muscle and making money. What excuse do Ugandan men give? They simply chant; “Katumba Oyee.” Girlchild concluded by inviting Boychild to the next “Girlchild Conference.”

Twitter: ortegatalks

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