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The Monday troll: I hope it is just a stunt to promote their song, says Katatumba


Ever-fresh but faded musician Angella Katatumba has said after being left looking like an “emotional option” in Daddy Andre’s sex life, her prayers have worked.
“I asked you, my fans and friends, for a prayer after seeing Andre felled by Nina Roz and I can now confidently say I’m fine,” Katatumba posted on IG.
“No emotions. No stress.”

She said God had given her a revelation in her prayers that Daddy Andre and Nina Roz were just “pulling stunts” for a song they are releasing soon.
“You know Nina Roz is this tall… like a tree in a rain forest competing for sunshine, so it was easy for Daddy Andre to spot her but that won’t last,” she added. Don’t go looking for the IG post because we also couldn’t find anything like it and are only imagining things to console Angella Katatumba.

Leave death stuff to us, undertakers tell media
The Uganda Undertakers, Morticians and Coffin Makers Association (Ugumoca) has warned the media against continued meddling in death affairs, saying the turf is sacrosanct and a privilege for their members.
Yusuf Wanaua, chairman of Ugumoca, said he had been forced to address their concerns after “lowlifes in the newsroom sunk so low” by declaring Pastor Augustine Yiga dead.
“We’ve overlooked this habit for way too long and I’m afraid it’s becoming a culture in Uganda to declare the living dead,” Wanaua said.

“The only person or thing that can challenge us in matters of death is death itself so leave this thing to us.”
Asked why he was taking things personally, Wanaua said: “Ugandans keep killing people on social media and mainstream, which excites coffin makers, mortuary attendants and undertakers into seeing mirages of money.” He warned that testing the patience of their members could see morticians embalm some journalists alive to teach them a lesson.

Influencer in Police ‘appreciation week’ pepper-sprayed
Police have denied allegations that their officers pepper-sprayed an influencer who led the Force’s “appreciation week” campaign on social media. Ed Nimusiima, a celebrated influencer, is alleged to have fallen on the wrong side of curfew patrol officers after spending too long while influencing for a rolex delivery startup. “I tried to explain that I had been influencing for their positive image, asking Ugandans to appreciate Police but they didn’t even understand what influencer is,” he said.
“This is poetic injustice,” he added.
But Police have said Nimusiima must be a victim of wasp attack.

“When our officers were signing him up for the publicity gig, his ceiling had quite a number of wasp nests hanging loosely and we believe the insects did rounds on his eyes after he startled them by celebrating Arsenal goal too loudly,” Police said.

Disclaimer: This is a parody column

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