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What would the boys really say?

On a particularly slow and boring morning, I went digging into the belly of the Internet for some inspiration and what I found was not only less than inspiring, I cannot even tell you about it because the results of my search are downright unprintable. In a quest for humour, I found some dwanzies laughing about the responses men would give, if they wrote advice columns.

Well, there is probably a woman out there preparing to send her pressing relationship question to an agony columnist. And the question is along the lines of “Help, my husband has too many nights out with the boys!” If you, dear long suffering wife, are about to send an email to Agony Uncle Tom, stop right there. Send it instead to the lovely ladies on a Facebook group I won’t name. They will give you more useful answers like: “Sorry dear, please get down on your knees and pray for that your husband. If all fails, go to Pastor Zick (I just made that up) of Namungoona Voice of God Apostle Ministries. That is where I took my wayward husband and now, he comes back home at 5pm every day.”

More useful answers from the more militant (indispensable) sistas would run along the lines of “Shyaa!! Such kamanyiro, who does that ka man think he is? In fact, next he tries it, just poke holes in all his trousers and shorts. If that fails, hide the car keys and run off, leaving him at home alone with the babies. Doll yourself up and go out on your own night out with the girls. Anha, twakoowa!”

Contrast that with the kind of advice you are likely to get from a man. Imagine the dude who is supposed to be giving you advice, siding with the one who is being naughty.  Hmm, there is an old saying about monkeys, judges and forests. If you don’t know it, I suggest you look it up after reading this. So if you are a woman with love problems, now you know where not to go.   I don’t want to tell you the answers you are likely to get if you address your questions to the aforementioned Uncle Tom. As I said before, all I can tell you is that this advice always boils down to “cook him a nice meal” and the rest as they say, is unprintable.

If you really want to know what advice men would give if they wrote advice columns, you are not going to get it from me. I don’t want to be accused of being sexist and all other kinds of criminal things.

If you cannot help yourself, go and search for it on the internet, in your own time and with your own MBs. I have seen and read enough relationship problems this week to last me a lifetime and so if you really must address one to anyone, don’t address it to me (my mind is already corrupted) and for your own sake, don’t send it to Uncle Tom either. If you really want to know the kind of answers you will get, go and recruit your own men friends and become one of the boys. I just did.


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