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Imagine we woke up to a Bobi Wine presidency

Picture this: Kamwokya is the new Kololo, Magere the new Rwakitura, Eddie Mutwe the head of SFC and a victory party at One Love Beach. Bobi Wine is President and after more than 30 years, we realise there is actually a life after Sevo.

After 30 or more years of Museveni, then Kaguta, Yoweri and now Bosco, Uganda could be ripe for another President. But imagine for a moment that we went to elections and woke up to the news that Bobi Wine is in the lead. Then the Electoral Commission shocks everyone and Bobi Wine is announced the President-elect of Uganda.

Now if you think that is hard to imagine. Imagine also that Museveni, the outgoing President, chooses to accept the election results. And that Museveni makes a concession speech as President Bobi Wine gives a victory speech. Probably Bobi Wine will remind us that we have finally been crowned, that the ghetto has finally come to State House. He would probably extend an olive branch to Bebe Cool, Uganda’s TB ambassador. Alongside Bobi Wine, it could be Chameleone, Kampala’s Lord Mayor.

We would then move on fast onto the swear-in day. This day will be like no others before. Unlike previous boring sessions where the President promised to munch us like samosas, this one will be a musical session. It will not be in Kololo, it will be in Busabala.

The event will not kick off in the morning, instead gates will open at midday as revellers, aka guests, join the grand party.

Rocky Giant will be the curtain raiser at the Inauguration Party titled ‘from the Ghetto to the Power.’ Right from Kampala all the way to Busabala, the streets will be decorated in red. Buses will be outlawed and instead all citizens will be required to get an umbrella and walk to Busabala.

Once Rocky Giant is done, Eddy Kenzo will stride into the venue, uninvited as always and Bobi Wine’s security detail will attempt to block him. He will cry his eyes out and claim; “I am just a duckling. Do you know how many things I have done for Uganda?” Luckily Bobi Wine will spot him from a distance and request the new Head of SFC, Eddie Mutwe, to let Eddy Kenzo in.

Bebe Cool will be on a boycott session. In a twist of events, Full Figure, Ashburg Katto and Bajjo will shock the world and claim that they were sent to spy on NRM. “We never abandoned Fadha, instead he asked us to go and leak NRM secrets to him. It’s these secrets that enabled him to win.” To prove allegiance to the cause, Ashburg Katto will get a knife, cut his wrist and show everyone his blood. “What colour is this? Is this not red? Do you see any yellow?” And with that, we shall be assured beyond reasonable doubt that the man is a true People Power loyalist.

Now, in some other part of the country, Andrew Mwenda will be preparing a pamphlet of statistics to explain Bobi Wine’s victory. The self-proclaimed ‘old man of the clan’ will explain to the viewers that the win is not a new one. He will point out that similar things happened in Indonesia in 1670, then in Greece before Socrates’ times, and even in Uganda in Mwanga’s times. He will then show the magnitude of errors that brought upon Museveni’s downfall. He will explain that GDP could not correlate with the GINI coefficient and that at a point X, there is always a tilt, something we can read in Poppey’s book on the rise and fall of Musevenism. Mao will be lost for words trying to explain how People Power that was swelling ended up growing.

For the first time, Kamwokya will become the new Kololo. Billionaires will rush to get huge chunks of land in this new lavish area. Magere will be the new Rwakitura, aka the political mecca of Uganda. It is here that those seeking to be appointed ministers will camp trying to seek audience with the new President.

The new President will then start off his first 100 days with an assurance that everything in the country is about; “kwebeleramu.” “If the Police annoys you, find a way to revenge. It’s about the ‘rabadaba’ style. Mwebeleremu,” he will announce to his cheering supporters.

Some bold souls will then raise their hands to ask the new President some questions. “Mr President, we need jobs. Mr President they’re taking my land. Mr President, I need capital for my project. Where can I get help?” the young enthusiasts will ask.

The President will then look left and right and assure the young men that we must work within the context of our country. He will direct the men to his vice president, Chairman Nyanzi and sign out with the words, “Nze Kati Nebwentema” aka “I can as well leave.”

Back home in Rwakitura, Museveni will now find time for his cows, and probably dedicate more effort to his music career. He will rebrand with the name ‘MC Bosco’ and plead with Bebe Cool for a collabo. Instead, he will be shocked that Bebe Cool will not be returning his phone calls. He will then proceed to do a Facebook live and decry the traitors, aka ‘bayuda.’ Then the whole country shall realise that indeed there was life beyond Museveni, and that Bobi Wine was not a bad idea after all, and we would all be ‘high’ in ‘spirits.’

Twitter: ortegatalks

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