To be given a lift or to offer one is one of the greatest joys in life, but perhaps also one of the most complicated arrangements. To save both parties, we have decided to document some of the rules to make life easier going forward. We are tired of second-guessing, everyone’s place in this arrangement should be clear.
1. Never explicitly solicit for a lift. Disguise your intentions at all costs. Hang around the car owner, keep complaining about your Safe boda that is delaying. Complain about the jam until the owner drops the question: “How are you going?” At that point in time, mention your destination, or even ask the owner where they are headed. Otherwise, pretend that you are not interested in the car lift.
2. Once in the car, you must begin praising the car. Even if it is a 1999 model, praise its beauty, its resilience on the road. Complain about the polycarbonate material used to manufacture recent models. Praise the interior of the car. Never at any one point should you find fault in the car. Treat the car like it is the best the world has to offer.
3. The car owner is always right. Be ready to fight battles on their behalf. Be ready to shout out at the madness of the boda boda riders. Keep chanting the lines, “Oba what’s wrong with these boda bodas.”
Even when the owner is driving like a mad Subaru owner, just keep mum and make no mention of their poor driving skills. If the car gets scratched, you must be the first person to jump out and accuse the other party of negligence. Taking a lift means maximum loyalty.
4. Respect the owner’s playlist. Make sacrifices if that is all it takes to love the owner’s playlist. Nod your head and pretend to dance along, tap your feet. When the owner asks if you are enjoying, simply reply: “Please share with me this playlist.” Even when the owner farts, just pretend as though nothing happened.
5. The owner has the final decision as to where they choose to drop you. If the owner decides to pass by a salon, be patient enough to wait along in the car.
Do not complain about any delays. There is a cost to everything, not owning a car comes at such great costs.
6. If you are offered a lift, you should also remember that you play the role of a maid, bouncer or askari. When the owner buys stuff, you should be ready to hold it between your legs. You should be watching out for any phone thieves. When you stop at a fuel station, you should keep your eyes on the gauge and ensure there is no ‘air’. If the car stalls in any way, immediately jump out, open the bonnet and pretend to be diagnosing the problem.
7. Also remember, unless the owner allows it, you should never sit at the back. If you were two people at the back and one drops off, instantly shift to the front. The car owner is not your chauffeur.
8. Do not pick your phone while being offered a lift. Do not even risk having it ring. Keep your phone in silent. Your only duty is to laugh at the owner’s jokes. If the owner asks for loose change, be ready to offer anything you have on you.
9. Do not ask to be dropped in areas with poor roads. If the road to your home is not clear or paved, be quick to request the car owner to park at the next convenient stop. Jump off, be grateful and walk out the rest of the journey.
10. Do not engage in arguments with the car owner. Sometimes car owners pretend to be motivational speakers. They think that lifts are platforms for them to pass off their nonsensical opinions. But be still, hold it there. Do not ever disagree, remember once again, the car owner is always right.
11. For car owners, if your car is fond of stalling, kindly stay away from offering lifts. No one is ready to be driven while on tension. If you drive a dirt-beaten premio, leave the business of offering lifts to those in Harriers. The same applies to those who drive Vitz and other sachet fuel cars.
12. As a car owner, you should desist from commenting on topics beyond your intellectual depth. We understand owning a car creates an illusion of intellectualism. But if you have no idea about the political economy, please keep off the topic. This is no opportunity to parade your ignorance.
13. As a car owner, desist from offering lifts if your car is dirty. Simply because it looks like a car, sounds like a car, and moves like a car doesn’t imply it is a car. Those offered lifts have rights. Say, it makes no sense for Kayz to offer Tinah Teise a lift .
14. Finally, if you realise a man in a Subaru is carrying a nice-looking babe, do not in any way pretend to need a car lift. Even when they suggest the idea, simply act like you are headed in the opposite direction. Let the man shine, you should not be the reason he fails to use his lines.
15. That said, if you want to save yourself from these rules, just go and buy a car!