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If our political parties were high school students, they would…

Political games: Do you ever look at a gathering and relate it to someone or just get some kind of de javu? Well, think about all our political parties and then jog your memory back to high school.

High school for many, was the defining decade. Self-awareness, and the discovery of all that is to our makeup, everything derived from here, or at least has a bearing. What better way to understand Ugandan political parties than taking a journey back in time to remember the high school days.

NRM would be that loaded student that gets away with anything. You remember the kid that scored Aggregate 4 while joining Senior One only to fail to live up to that record. That is NRM for you. The kid deluded everyone into thinking they are intelligent, but from the look of things, they are now survivors. NRM would be that student that commits all kinds of crimes at school, but no one can risk expelling them. Rumour would have it that they are a son to one of the board members. As such, it is in the best interest of everyone to turn a blind eye to their many faults. It is also likely that this NRM student is a Budonian, all full of airs, promising a lot, only to deliver a ‘Jubilewo’. He joined the school in the days when every student would be handed a floppy disk in the orientation week. Now time has moved, and he cannot imagine that everything is now on the cloud. He never tires of storytelling with the opening lines “when I joined the school in 1986…” He’s also the first head prefect in the history of the school to hold the post for more than a year.

FDC would be that cool girl in school. She managed to charm people. She has the popularity vote, yet she claims the teachers keep rigging her every time she contests for a prefect’s position. But she never stops reminding everyone of how she would be the beauty queen of the school, the head prefect, had it not been for the underhanded methods of the teachers. Some students in school are beginning to despise her. They cannot understand why she keeps contesting and losing consistently. Some think it is time to move on and find a new breath of fire. But all that she keeps singing for them is: “I’m still here.”

DP would be that student who speaks good English yet fails to perform in class. Everything of his on the surface seems to be in order. He is at the helm in the debating club, he boasts of owning every text book, yet, when it comes to performance, he leaves a lot to be desired. He is thus chosen to write poetry for the school magazine, to keep relevant. Although he has many girls around him, all without exception have friendzoned him. They cheer him on when he recites his poems, call him romantic, praise his brains, but they cannot dare give DP a ‘dab’ during the school dance.

UPC is that one student that no one is sure even exists. The only time his name is heard is during the class counts. He does not speak in class. He does not participate in any school activity. He simply picks up his books and plays his role as a back bencher. During prep time, he is always taking a nap, thinking of a world with no future, a world where only the past feats define all that one lives for. Not the teachers, not the prefects, not even the Senior Ones can recognise his presence. Rumour has it, that somewhere in his early days at school, he was the star, but that is all just a rumour.

NUP/People Power
NUP would be the light-skinned babe that joins the school around Senior Three. She would have joined from Taibah or Vienna. She is the most updated about all things fashion, entertainment and travel. She is a walking E! channel. All the boys are chasing her. The girls too, although they may dread her, they have no option but to be seen around in her circles.
Because of her popularity, she keeps finding herself at crossroads with the school authorities. They do not understand why she insists on keeping her hair long, re-sizing her school uniform and making it a tight-fit. The head teacher keeps calling out her name. She is always on the brink of being suspended.
And because she is very talented, she has chosen that this coming year, she will go for the highest seat, and contest as head prefect. The vetting committee has looked for all means of kicking her out, but she has still found ways of keeping on track. Because she is trending, she has also created enemies with some students that used to own the ‘cool spot’. However, it is also rumoured that all the dudes hitting on her, simply want to check off a box and cannot wait to do a ‘hit and run’ on her. It’s also a crime to publicly question her. You risk being accused of jealousy or simply being outdated.

ANT would be the gentleman in school, soft-spoken, likeable, but also bordering on the lines of boring and unexciting. You do not hate him, but you do not love him either. He seems to keep all the school rules. He attends all the lessons. All teachers keep praising him, and so do the students, but none of them would consider him for any post. He is that Namugongo student that suddenly finds himself trapped in Lubiri SSS.

Twitter: ortegatalks

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