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The Ugandan Millennials, aka Generation 86


The now times: If there is a generation more popular than any other, it is the millennials. These people have found all means to take over the world. They will go to lengths to see to it that their presence is felt.



Sit down for a moment, and think about it, almost all the problems we have had to deal with as a nation in recent times have been stirred by the Ugandan millennial. They are not a silent majority, they are a loud majority, getting louder every passing day causing havoc in all places. They do not play by the rules, they want to rethink everything, or rather, they see themselves as some revolutionaries, raised to put a dent in the universe.
But far from being revolutionaries, Ugandan millennials also define the ultimate confusion that is the Ugandan dream. They love to name-drop. From when they were young, when it was cool to show up with the DSTV magazine book, to talking about the movies they had watched, Ugandan millennials have grown up on a life of comparisons and ratings.

They will keep reminding everyone about their former secondary schools; SMACK, SHACK, NGO, BINGOS, GUNGAS, GIZA, and the mighty Jubileewo aka Budo, they just never move on. It is as though all greatness in their life is derived from these places. You will find a Ugandan millennial at the workplace engaged in a conversation about their life in Canada and Nigeria. In your humble curiosity, you will be tempted to listen longer, until you realise that it is nothing other than some hard-beaten dormitory in Budo.
At the workplace, millennials are always at the frontiers of creativity, at least they claim they do. Everything is creativity to the older generation. Until you ask millennials to prove their claim of creativity. Then, they will bombard you with their Pinterest, Snapchat, Tik Tok, Twitter and all these obscure social media channels. They will take you on a tour of their Instagram stories and convince you that indeed, they are not just creative, they define the word itself.

Of course, these millennials have also been raised to be very thin-skinned. They easily catch feelings and they easily get those feelings hurt. You cannot just deliver raw feedback to them, lest they accuse you of harassment. Not to downplay the existence of depression, it seems like being depressed is the millennials’ version of being trendy. Or at least, it is the quickest way to seek attention. Millennials thrive on attention, tonnes and tonnes of attention. So at least they will dig up a story in the past that showcases their own victimhood story, how one kid stole their pencil and teased them in primary school. If you want to be the best friend of millennials, do not ever shy away from showering them with praises and granting them buckets full of attention. In as much as they love attention, they also lack it. It is not easy to keep them attentive for a minute. There is always something that will steal their attention.

The one thing you must give to the millennials is having a good taste. They just have an inkling for the finer things in life. No wonder they just cannot save a coin. After all, what is the use of money if it cannot accord you a better life? What’s the use of money if it cannot get you a Subaru? Millennials and Subarus, it is like they made a pact. If it is not Subarus, then millennials will be doing everything from the app. There is an app for everything. They use boda boda apps, they do ride-sharing, they plan for their trips on an app, buy food on an app, and even find love on an app. Without apps, without a smartphone, there is nothing left to speak about millennials.

When it comes to drinks, they want them as cocktails, they cannot stop reminding people about the Sangrias, and all the lounges in Kampala that make the best of cocktails. You will not find millennials in a normal night club, they will be busy chilling at some lounge, they want to be at some brunch, at some Blankets and Wine, again, it is the finer things of life. Millennials are always investing in their wardrobe, the hair, the shoes, the accessories, the perfumes. Until you tell them to invest in land, then you get their eyes rolling.

When it comes to relationships, millennials know how to showcase their love. They have it all from baby showers, to birthday showers, they are always adding shower to everything, looking for every excuse to party. That’s why they keep around Kiwatule, Najjera, Naalya and Bugolobi. These four places account for 90 per cent of the millennial population. When it is time to end relationships, millennials simply ghost. They go silent, stop picking calls, unfriend you on Facebook, then it is a clear signal that they have moved on.

This emoji generation has learned to express its feelings through symbols. Gone are the days when people got a writing pad and poured out their feelings. For millennials, it is emojis. The worst of crimes is not replying their messages instantly, not sending them a birthday wish at midnight and posting them on your WhatsApp status. Also remember to always retweet them, otherwise they will pick feelings from that too.
That said, the best thing about millennials is their complete disinterest in Ugandan politics. They have seen through the lie, and just decided; “this life I can’t kill myself.” As long as they wake up to a CJs breakfast, pay up their OTT, the rest can go to hell…

Twitter: ortegatalks

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