What business does a Najjera man have to do in Kisaasi?
The State of the Nation Address from the Yoruba address, aka State of Yoruba Address, aka SOYA, was read out at the weekend. Unlike previous SOYAs, this came at the time of the Covid-19 pandemic. It was a scathing address, with numerous austerity measures. At some point, the citizens of the Yoruba Kingdom cut the king short. Such measures were unheard of in the previous addresses.
It is the slay queens that complained the most. They could not understand why the men were removing transport money from the list of visiting allowances. The sponsors argued that this was the new normal, and there was need to balance things as per the equality scale. Did slay queen lives matter anymore? But what option did the slay queens have? They could choose to keep up with the visits minus the transport allowances or retreat to a life of Instagram likes and TikTok views. Surely, a slay queen could not survive purely on likes and retweets.
The people of Nansana having featured on the #SOUG column now had the confidence to seek for district status. “We are above and beyond Wakiso. Nansana should be a country, and kumasitoowa becomes the capital city,” they suggested. But that would mean hiring the skills of ‘Kupiblicity e nateete’ as the spokesperson for this Nansana bid. Najjera did not feature at the SOYA event. It is impossible to live in Najjera and be sober. By the time of the address, most Najjerians were still looking for Subaru fuel. Did they think Subarus ran on water?
Men are now cheating at lunchtime, they are paying police to hold them for days, they are even bribing their line managers to give them virtual overnight assignments. Yoruba resolved that… to curb the sexual network, the government would now have to zone the men.
In the SOYA, drunkards had requested for government to connect pipelines all the way to the brewing companies. “It does not hurt for us to pay for our alcohol the way we pay for our water. We can fund this grand infrastructural project. This would be a good bill to have at the end of every month. In fact, instead of calling it ‘YAKA’, ours would be a pay as you drink, aka ‘shot’. A shot will be the equivalent of a unit. You can load some shots on your account and enjoy a hustle-free drink session,” the drunkards submitted. Then came the big problem. How would we connect the different lines for the different beer and spirit brands? But the drunkards were not to be done. “Just as one can have a different telecom line, people will have to choose which brands to wire to their houses,” they retorted.
As the SOYA was ongoing, a feminist shouted out about the unemployment status of a 45-year-old radio presenter. “You mean Fatboy?” the speaker inquired. But shouldn’t men pay tax for being single? It should not be fair that as other men are busy learning leadership skills at home, speaking to themselves over bills, all that one man is concerned about is his dog named Rukia. “Why was he even paid that much? Some employers are just not serious. We know the man was using most of the salary to visit all kinds of hubs,” the feminist argued. “You mean the pawn hubs?” the speaker asked again.
The times of Covid-19 have hit so hard, people are losing jobs over pay cuts, drunkards now want a direct line to breweries and to curb cheating, men might have to be given specific routes.
The President of Yoruba took time to remind the citizens about the affairs in Uganda. Apparently, that country once had mafias, but now the mafias had the country. The mafias were good at their game, they had not spared their own President. “Bankoyezza,” the man grumbled about the calorific intake of the mafias. “Mbu even his citizens want to die. He must plead with them not to die. He even released a song; ‘do not die, do not die,” Yoruba grapevine had it.
It was turmoil everywhere. The SOYA was punctuated with disorder. Was it now time for the people to submit to the great authority of the prophet? The prophet had developed ‘ntondo’. Of late, he claimed to be keeping some prophecies to himself. “I knew you would not believe me,” the prophet now prophesied in hindsight. Whatever the case, Covid-19 was threatening to send many men of God back to the village. “Do you know how hard it is to collect offertory when people are not in church?”
The SOYA failed to address the issue of the curfew. Was this the new normal? How were the men cheating in these Covid-19 times? The Literati reminded everyone of the famous bird that now learned to fly without perching because men were shooting without missing.
“Men are now cheating at lunchtime, they are paying police to hold them for days, they are even bribing their line managers to give them virtual overnight assignments,” it was revealed.
Yoruba resolved that in order to curb the sexual network, the government would now have to zone the men. “Basically, men need to be given specific routes just like we have done for taxis. What business does a Najjera man have to do in Kisaasi or Nansana? What business does a Ntare dude have with a Gungas chick? Let’s date within our suburbs,” the Minister of Ethics argued.