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Rolex is bae… but are you eating it right?


Guilty pleasures: A rolex is one of Uganda’s wonders but the rolex from those roadside stands, is the guilty pleasure of many. But before you go around bragging, are you doing the rolex right?

The Uganda Rolex Eaters Association (UREA) would like to officially circulate the new rules as regards the art and science of eating a rolex. UREA has noticed to their utter dismay that the rolex is being vulgarised and people are not treating this process with the due respect it deserves. A rolex is not any kind of food. Rolex is bae and must be handled with care. All other methods other than those laid down below are tantamount to disrespecting the culture that has surpassed generations of rolex eaters.

1. A rolex cannot be ordered over an app. One must walk to the rolex stand. You cannot call your boda boda guy to deliver the rolex. The eater of the rolex must convey instructions face to face. You must observe the maker of the rolex. If he is dressed smartly, be certain your rolex will taste the reverse. He must be donning some football jersey, preferably the Arsenal jersey.

2. One must start off the process with a joke, some greeting of sorts. It does not hurt to call the rolex maker ‘Boss’ or ‘Swahaba’ or even ‘Muna’. Then proceed to ask for a rolex. It is at this point that you then make a choice between nyanya mbisi and byonna sikilamu. This is a personal judgment. It depends on the mood of the day.
If you are with a beautiful friend, then you should prefer everything fried at once, nothing like raw tomatoes. It is Covid-19 times, pays to pretend to be hygienic. I must repeat, a rolex must never surpass two eggs and two chapattis. Two chapattis because over time Kampala chapattis became malnourished. To get a standard Jinja chapatti, one needs at least two Kampala chapattis.

3. The next step is the most critical. It is about the rolex equipment. If it is not a plastic cup with some coatings inside accumulated over time, then it is not a rolex. The egg must be broken using the edge of the knife or the table. It is all about the process. You must look out for that ka-dirty cloth. If it’s a clean cloth, then that guy is an amateur to the game of rolex. Notice the frying pan. He must pour some water to balance the heat. Then the egg gets onto the pan. It must be turned using a knife. If your rolex guy cannot perform this simple craft, drop him as early as yesterday.

4. Once again, when the egg is about to be rolled into the chappati, the table gets cleaned by our ka-cloth. Then the rolling starts. Then comes the polythene paper and finally the paper bag. Please note, the paper bag must have some words imprinted.
It should be made from some transcript of a guy from Kyambogo, or some nursery school exam paper. If there are no words on the paper bag, then that rolex guy lacks the requisite experience. Remember, you only order a rolex from a stall where many people are queuing. You must be willing to wait.

5. The habit of chopping a rolex into pieces is not allowed. If you cannot hold the rolex in some piece, then what business do you have eating a rolex? If there is chicken or minced meat, it is not a rolex. That is some other kind of roll but not a rolex.
A real rolex comes with no bourgeoisie additions. A real rolex is down to earth. If it takes you ages to eat, it is not a rolex. A rolex should be something you can eat on the go.

6. As earlier noted, a married man has no business eating a rolex. A rolex belongs to people staying in Najjera, Kisaasi, Nansana, and Zaana. We do not understand why a man staying in Muyenga or Bunga would be busy eating a rolex.
If you can afford a place in Muyenga, you can surely afford to eat in a fine dining place. We cannot be competing in the same marketplace with different levels of income.

7. If she can humbly eat a rolex in your presence, kindly marry her as soon as yesterday. If she pretends she has never eaten a rolex, run for your dear life. Leave her for people such as God’s Plan.
A real Kampala girl has eaten a rolex before and will do it again and again without shame. The rolex should be the standard test of a life partner. If you cannot order for a rolex while in the presence of your friends, then you are not fit to be one of them. Real friends order for rolex and enjoy it together.

8. Rolex should never be shared. You should never steal someone’s rolex. It is the greatest of crimes according to the UREA criminal code. It takes effort to order a rolex. It takes great skill to supervise the making of a rolex. Why on earth would you want to share in someone’s hardwork? Unless the buyer of the rolex offers you a piece, kindly refrain from requesting for a piece.

9. Finally, the Uganda Rolex Eaters Association wishes to make it clear that a rolex is paid for in cash. You should never eat a rolex on credit. Small small money cannot be demanded. Let’s respect the rolex. Let’s respect the eaters. Let’s respect the makers. Above all, let’s respect the ka-cloth, the ka-cup and the ka-table.

Twitter: ortegatalks

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