Appeal after appeal: The President might have given them just an offer of 30 but do we really need lawyers on our streets running around as essential workers? At least we all know what most Ugandan lawyers are all good at — yes, you guessed right — driving around in benzes.
As of last week, there was a big debate that was brewing in the Yoruba Kingdom. Several subjects in the kingdom wondered whether indeed, lawyers were essential workers. Were lawyers worth the mention anyway? The topic was presented for discussion and that is how all hell broke loose.
A one Ogwang argued that there was no point having this debate anyway. “What’s there to discuss about people whose main expertise is preparing ‘memarts’ and complicating the company registration process? We can do better friends.”
There were cheers at Ogwang’s submission. For many in the circles, all they have come to know about Ugandan lawyers is their special attachment to Mercedes Benz. “These lawyers think that if you do not drive a Benz and reside in Najjera, then you are not fit to be a lawyer. It is the reason the Progrès was a popular car within their circles. It was the poor lawyer’s version of a Benz,” Namutebi made her submission.
There were more annoyed folks within the kingdom. They could not fathom the fact that lawyers consider themselves ‘know-it-alls.’ That they have this deep belief — a law degree entitles them to an opinion about everything. They consider themselves authorities. If they are clueless about a subject, they will find a way to link it and angle it towards the law.
“Thank goodness this lockdown humbled them. Suddenly, their suits and shiny shoes were meaningless. I can never date a lawyer, they promise so much, only to deliver posho and beans,” Tasha commented. “You only trust a Ugandan lawyer at your own risk. Even when they are certain you will not win a case; they will keep assuring you of a win. Finally, when you lose, they will show you ways to appeal. Then it becomes appeal after appeal. Before you know it, you are appealing an appeal,” Tasha continued.
In this confusion, a drunkard came out of the crowd and offered to defend the lawyers. “People, lawyers are an endangered species. Consider, for example, those moments when you have wished that one plus one equals 11. Only a lawyer can make that possible. Without lawyers, this economy would collapse. We ensure that money keeps circulating in the economy. We defend everyone regardless of their crime. We are inclusive,” Roberto the drunkard told the assembly.
But Roberto came short of receiving slaps. No one remembered when last he was seen at the Law Development Centre. The thing we know is that when he graduated, he went to work for a popular law firm in town where his main specialty was printing and photocopying clients’ works. To many, Roberto is as disgruntled as a one Sheilah Gashumba. Low pay got to the worst of him, he found solace in the bottle.
But then what about Mukasa Mbidde? Some in the assembly had an idea that he was worth a mention. Roberto continued: “If not for lawyers, you would never have a rich vocabulary. Latin would have died off. It is lawyers that have kept all this going.” It’s at this point that many now resolved mob violence is the only thing that could restrain the drunk Roberto.
“I have a feeling that lawyers intentionally complicated the constitution so that they could money off the interpretation of the acts. You can never trust those people. Lawyers can convince you that you are not your father’s child,” Kirungi finally came in after a TikTok session.
“Me if a lawyer does not look like Harvey Spector of Suits, I do not want to hear anything. He can keep his lines to his ancestors. Can you imagine lawyers can’t even dance? They don’t even know how to drive manual cars. What kind of people are they?” Kirungi closed out with an Instagram upload of the assembly.
The Yoruba Assembly thus resolved that lawyers could only be essential workers by a sleight of hand. That lawyers did not build anything, the only thing they knew best is how to say, my Lord, my Lady, and cross-examining people. The assembly resolved that nothing good ever came out of the Law fraternity. “They love to refer to themselves as ‘learned friends’ but what have we learned from them?”
For this reason, the Assembly agreed to petition the Ugandan President to withdraw his allowance for 30 essential lawyers. “This President is just obsessed with the number 30. First it was 30 pushups, then 30 lawyers. When is he announcing the 30 slay queens?” Roberto woke up from a slumber.
It is at this point that a group of LDUs showed up to disperse this illegal assembly in the Yoruba Kingdom. Unfortunately, Roberto stayed around to argue out his case. He is yet to recover from the beatings.