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A lockdown we shall always remember

Quarantime: Like is norm in Uganda, the drama did not cease during lockdown. There were people in the news keeping us entertained and then some. Ian Ortega reminds us of the moments.

If Prophet Mbonye had told Ugandans in their parte after parte sessions that tweny tweny would become twente twente, none of us would have believed. Therefore, the man chose to keep every detail to himself only to come out in the middle of the lockdown. He spoke of things that no eye had seen; he spoke precisely about Covid-19 and why he had chosen silence.

Another prophet of his time, the one and only Pastor Yiga made it clear to Ugandans that Covid-19 was nothing but a myth. He woke up to reality in one of the many prison cells in Uganda. Was this God’s Plan? Sheilah Gashumba thought otherwise.

Then Utawezana happened. Azziad became a pulobulemu in East Africa. Sheilah tried to salvage the situation but it was too late. We had no option but to retreat to the 50K caves. Before we could even breathe, Robin Kisti was back on the scene. Justine Nameere would go on to rise from the grave and then came confusion after confusion.

The confusion did not leave anyone out. The presidential briefings had everyone confused. They said private cars were allowed on the road but without drivers. That garages could open but spare parts shops remain closed. At the time, we had to wait for the LDUs to interprete everything or wait for the clarification on the President’s clarification.

We shall not forget the words; ‘however’ and ‘therefore’. We were back to English class 101 as the whole country got schooled in the world of adverbs. Then Tik Tok happened. If all troubles can be linked back to one thing, it was Nansana girls jumping onto the TikTok trend. We must confess they did ‘Kwata Essimu‘ justice. It was challenge after challenge after challenge.

To some people, TikTok was a gaping reminder that we need to restock our shoe closets. It is a secret often told that a dude in Bulindo and Najjera has more horsepower in his Subaru than boxers and bedsheets. Speaking of bedsheets, how many times did the people in Kulambiro change them?

It became a norm that we could only sleep after the Ministry of Health update on the Covid-19 cases. You could go to bed with everything normal only to wake up to 43 truck drivers. As we ran out of posho and beans, we began to shout enough is enough. In Brian White’s voice, we spoke out; “banange aaaaah aaaaah aaaaaah…. noooo nooo nooo no.”

The President heard our pleas, but everything fell on the mask. Government would give every Ugandan a mask. It was not the time to discuss the size of the mask. The stomachs in Najjera cried out that night. They could no longer afford the apartment block parties, their wallets were running empty, they had come face to face with the reality of being non-essential workers. If it were not for OC Kadoogo of Najjera, there would be no Najjera left. No money, no electricity, Najjera represents the best and worst of our suburbs.

We surely needed a breather. Bobi Wine aka President of the Ghetto aka Bba wa Barbie decided to cause havoc in the house. It was ‘Ensasage mu nyumba’. Little did he know that a one Ashburg Katto was starving. The self-appointed blogger would shock the nation as he crossed over to the ruling party from People Power. We needed a pause button on the lockdown.

Ten pushups used to be the standard measure of fitness. In the lockdown, a 75-year-old man shocked the world when he did 30 pushups. The first 10 were perfect, but only Canary’s ruler can explain the next 20. Nonetheless, we had been challenged.

But the battlefields have been set. There were men who once asked the great question: “Do you know who I am?” Stickers did indeed show us who was who in Kampala. It is said that if a man could not afford getting a sticker, he had no business dating. Otherwise, how shall such a man fund the relationship?

But have you noticed the drop in common colds and cough? Suddenly no one is suffering from infections anymore. Could this be linked to the spike in basic hygiene? If you want to experience suffering, try to look for something in different supermarkets. You will wash hands at every point until there is nothing left to wash anymore.

Now that the cars are back on the road, we hope that the city receives humble drivers. The times of people rushing as though they got the cure for Covid-19 should stop. Most of us are non-essentials. The world did not stop while we were locked home. It surely should not stop now that we are back on the roads. This message goes out to all Altezza, Mark X, and Subaru drivers. Humility does not kill.

To the rest of us, have you finally realised that we are broke people living in a broke country, working for broke companies while everyone is pretending it is fine? Small small two months and everyone is crying. We are all a month away from bankruptcy…

Twitter: ortegatalks


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