If it were in my powers, this column would have to temporarily take on a new name: ‘random thoughts of a man in lockdown’. If there is one thing that has humbled us, it is the lockdown. Imagine what is going through the minds of a girl who turned down an outing a week to the lockdown. She must be regretting, cursing, imagining that this could be the same way she will turn down Heaven, not knowing hell awaits.
If there is anything hard in a person’s world, it is going to hospital with an STD. Worse still, if one is supposed to face off with a female nurse or doctor. Nothing transforms a man’s voice like trying to explain what has befallen his soft parts.
For yours truly, it was about the circumcision. Society has conspired to shame uncircumcised men. So, I was sick and tired of the shame, I decided to make up my mind on Good Friday, to die for the sins of all men, slay queens and slay kings, the party animals, the drunkards, and all socialites. But nothing had prepared me for the moments at the reception. I calmly tried to explain the reason for my appearance at the hospital. The receptionist pretended not to have heard. She could not hold her laughter as I stammered through the repetition.
“I am here for safe male circum—cision.’ And then started my lockdown. But what is a lockdown when every Ugandan girl is trying to outcompete the Utawezana girl in the challenge.
For the first time in the history of the millennials, they spent the Easter holidays perfectly locked home. There was no ‘Tondeka Ekiwatule’, journalists had nothing to record at ‘Busabala.’ The message was clear; “stay home.”
It was even rumoured that had it not been for his superpowers, Jesus was not about to come out of the grave. What a mess it would have been! Without resurrection, who would be forgiving Full Figure’s lies? Who would stand to judge Chameleone against the Revenue body? Surely, Jesus had to make the sacrifice and come out of the grave.
In other auditions, the President of Uganda broke the record for most pushups at the age of 75. Although many thought he was teaching them how to workout at home, for political analysts, it was him saying: “I am too fit for 2021, can we try 2026?” We were told a President next door had tried the same challenge, but nothing had come out from the fellow Kenyans.
The lockdown has seen us move from challenge to challenge. The Don’t Rush Challenge was proof that there is scarcity of bearded men in Uganda. The Pushup Challenge had many excusing themselves claiming they would knock down saucepans. Then the Side dish/Girlfriend/Wife Challenge had many ladies proving their ability to be all three to different men without receiving complaints from any of them. But what business did Makindye girls have participating in any of these challenges? What has been Makindye’s contribution to Kampala? We humbly request that Makindye girls reserve these challenges for their counterparts in Muyenga and Bunga.
If the lockdown has done one great thing, it has equalised all men and women. Think about the dudes who spent the year in gym, making those six packs, of what use are they now? The skinny dudes of Kisaasi and Najjera must be celebrating that finally they do not have to deal with any insecurities. For the first time, we do not have people celebrating birthdays in Dubai and Seychelles. We are all home. But then, what happened to birthdays? Did the slayqueen association postpone every birthday?
When the lockdown is over, I suspect Ugandans are going to go on a rampage, aka revenge mission. They will try their best to make up for all the lost Fridays. But let them not forget that landlords will be watching their behaviour closely. As they go on acting like champions in bars, their landladies will not be buying the pauper excuse.
The hardest thing for all us is going to be the return to work. To imagine that all the non-essential workers reading this will have to grace two hours of traffic jam everyday to and from work. Of what use is it driving all the way from Bulindo just to go and do non-essential work? Non-essential workers should keep at home. The world did not stop without them, it can surely move on without them.
When all is said and done, we shall have one big thing to add to our CVs: “I survived Covid-19” will be the line. In case anyone doubts your resilience, just remind them how you went through weeks of a lockdown. Tell them how you walked miles just to access essential services. And in case the 1986 revolutionaries ask if we know any hardship, the lockdown is proof of our resolve.