THE LOCKDOWN: So it is about 10 days into the lockdown and none of us seems to be enjoying it. While some people have embarked on a journey of self-discovery, some have rendered themselves ‘useless’. What have you learnt?
The one thing we have all learned about ourselves is that we lead boring lives. Left to ourselves, there is nothing much for us to do. We are dependent on the joys of other people. We are dependent on the Friday nights, the unforgettable moments, the hoots, the boda bodas, the traffic jam. The peace we claim to love, we only love it from afar.
But that is not all there is to the lockdown. We have also learnt that you cannot satisfy Ugandans. When free food was given, they went ahead to ask for rice and charcoal. Some asked for cooking oil, spices and fruits. Others wondered: “This man has a farm; cannot he slaughter some animals?”
It has also become clear that our President could make a great TV presenter with his signature white shirts. Above all, with his signature lines such as: “Where are you going?” But then, what kind of presenter holds a ka-torch for a phone? We shall need to upgrade him on that front. We would not mind having Jenny Archie as a co-presenter, it is team natural hair.
Wives have been wearied of their jogging men. Husbands too cannot understand the new passion that their wives have developed. Where are all these people running to? What are they running for? But then, we understand Kiwatule, Najjera and issues of side-dishes. The President will address these in his next talk.
The lockdown finally revealed that a good number of Ugandan employees are not essential. Most have simply perfected the art of doing just enough so they are not fired. They have perfected the art of corporate speak, how to reply emails, how to appear serious in a meeting without adding any value.
What about transport money? Given that people were able to walk during this lockdown, it would make sense to cut down on the rates of transport money. We need to come up with standard fares and solve this issue permanently.
The lockdown also taught us that it is not good being a vulnerable poor while residing in Kiwatule, Naalya and Muyenga. The government does not care about the vulnerable poor masquerading as residents of these areas. When it came to free food, nothing was allocated to these areas.
What about the Covid-19 songs? We are currently the only country in the world with more Covid-19 songs than cases. For every case, we record a new song. Some of the songs even come in chapters. The man of ‘zero, zero’ is currently on chapter two. At this rate, the Corona songs will kill us faster than the virus.
Have you noticed the ‘Don’t Rush Challenge?’ Have you participated? It turns out for most of us, our wardrobe is limited, and these challenges are not a thing for everyone. Nonetheless, we have had the dancing pallbearers to keep us company…
If there is one thing Ugandans fear, it is LDUs. But now the name is now synonymous with pigs. Once at a pork joint, the new line is; “How much is a kilo of LDU?” One of these days, we may have to pay for these sins. Sooner than later.
People argued that Covid-19 has made everyone an expert. That had it been an economic recession, Andrew Mwenda would be shining on our ignorance. He would be telling us about the 1706 depression in Sweden when King Modecai was in charge. Unfortunately, with Covid-19, the old man is out of the trade. He can only wait for the Minister of Health just like the rest.
Despite all this, we still have people who comment with; ‘send’ on our WhatsApp statuses. Have you people not figured out ways to steal statuses without stressing us? Have you not heard of status saving apps?
But where are the other Presidents in these moments? Before Covid-19, the country had about five Presidents. How did they become extinct in less than a month? What happened to the Ghetto president? Should we put out a lost and found notice? Of course, people also complained about Prophet Mbonye’s decision to withhold his Corona virus prophecy. At first, one may want to agree with these people. On second thought, you soon notice that they have no reason to whine. The prophet has a mandate to choose which prophecies to give and to save for later moments. Is it his problem that you do not have direct flights to heaven? Maybe we should swallow a humble pie and request that he takes us along on his next meetings. He could even create a WhatsApp group with Jesus so that we can all talk to this man who has been away for 2,000 years.
But what happened to the Speaker’s Stanliser? What really went wrong? With a single spray, we were told Corona would be history in Uganda. It is now almost a month and we cannot find this stanliser. Should we assume it was used to chase the locusts? Should we assume Daddy Andre used all the Shs20m to buy this stanlizer?
That said, Subaru drivers have never been this humbled in life. Not a single Subaru was given a sticker. Is this not outright discrimination? Maybe it is to remind them that they are not essential drivers. At least Passos too do not have stickers. The only way they could get stickers is if they claimed to be bread delivery vans. But then, why would bread be delivering bread?
Acting President Uganda Boyfriends Association