Fighting together: So the entire world is in panic and even though the coronavius has not reached Uganda yet, we have to be on the look out and take action to ensure that if it gets here, at least it will find us prepared.
It is not news anymore, the coronavirus is next door. It is in Kenya, Rwanda and Tanzania. It could be a matter of time before it is in Uganda. But just in case it gets here, there are some creative ways for us to work around it.
Given that Ugandan dudes, aka broke dudes, have been complaining about transport money, social distancing is something that will save them. Through social distancing, girls will have another excuse for flexing other than the lack of transport money. Social distancing also implies that we shall not expect to see the kind of closeness that has been developing between Zari and Grenade.
With social distancing, tenants can finally have a way of dodging their landladies. All you must do is keep one metre away from your landlord. If you sight your creditor, the rules of social distancing will apply. Social distancing for employees implies keeping a distance from your boss as a way of extending deadlines.
Appoint Bebe Cool ambassador
Given the great work Bebe Cool is doing with combating Tuberculosis, it is time we upgraded him to be Corona ambassador. First, if one is to imagine the personified image of Corona, Bebe Cool could be it. He is on everyone’s lips, he comments on every topic, he picks wars with everyone and he is a musical corona. You can be certain, every post on Bebe Cool’s social media pages will feature something about the coronavirus. We need someone with this kind of confidence to ask people to watch out for the coronavirus. In the words of Bobi Wine, we need to be ‘conscious’, aka ‘cautious’ of corona.
Our Men of God, our prophets
Whereas our neighbours may suffer with this virus, our prophets saw this virus many years prior. For this reason, they will shield us from the virus. This is the time for the men of God to showcase their greatness. We can sub-divide the country and hand over every region to a different prophet. We can entrust northern Uganda with Pastor Yiga. We can entrust the central region with Prophet Mbonye. The rest of the country will be under the care of Prophet Kakande. Surely, how can coronavirus make any strides with such a heavenly force on standby? If everything fails, we can bring in Pastor Bujingo as backup.
Gone are the days when employees looked for excuses to dodge work on Mondays and Fridays. Over time, human resource managers realised that more employees fell sick on Mondays and Fridays than on any other day of the week. Employees also had a tendency of losing relatives on these days. But now with the coronavirus, there is no need for cooking up excuses. We all have a valid reason – self-isolation. If you went out on a Sunday night and cannot make it to office on Monday, do not worry, corona virus got you sorted. Call in at work and notify them of your perceived symptoms and how you are going through self-isolation to clear all doubts.
When the locusts landed in Uganda, every citizen claimed to be an expert on locusts. The same scenario is playing out with corona. It is time to activate our entrepreneurship genes. As a way of solving unemployment, government should direct every company to hire a coronavirus expert. There should be a special position in every company — Manager in charge of Corona. Of course, Subaru guys are not happy that a small car could take the shine in this moment. But coming to think about it, how worse would it have been if this virus was named Subaru? Imagine the speed of infection, imagine the chaos. You just look at the average Subaru driver to imagine the impact of a coronavirus.
UPDF and LDU
Surely, if everything fails us in our efforts, UPDF and LDU will not. For every corona case we record in Uganda, we shall have two LDUs to keep it contained. Having successfully sprayed out the locusts, it is time to use this energy at fighting the virus. Again, ‘president’ Bobi Wine asked us to be on the lookout.
Whatever that means, UPDF and LDU will translate this advice into action. We can send out our forces to survey for the presence of this virus, dig out every pocket. The virus could be hiding in some slum, our LDUs will dig it out. We shall even have a press conference where the UPDF shows the captured virus as proof of their efforts.
On a more serious note, we shall need to get serious with washing our hands. Especially the men of Kiwatule, Najjera, Kyaliwajjala, Bugolobi, and Kisaasi. Why on earth do men detest washing their hands after a short call? And why on earth do these men adore practices such as hugs and handshakes.
The best way for us to beat this virus is to pretend that it is already here. And if it is here, then it comes down to the basics; washing hands, social distancing, using the hand sanitisers, avoiding hugs, avoiding handshakes (in all forms) and self-isolating immediately you feel the symptoms of high fever, cough and difficulty in breathing.
That said, we can, together, overcome this pandemic.
For every corona case we record in Uganda, we shall have two LDUs to keep it contained. Having successfully sprayed out the locusts, it is time to use this energy at fighting the virus.